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Band 2

Some people believe that reading stories from a book is better than watching TV or playing computer games for children. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #stories #book #tv #computer #games #children
In these present days, some kind of people
think
Change the verb form
thinks
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 that reading stories from
books
 is better than watching TV and Playing PC games for
infent
Correct your spelling
infant
. Personally, I support the idea that
scion
Capitalize word
Scion
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 should read
bill
Fix the agreement mistake
bills
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 more than
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
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 programs. In fact, more than half a percentage of the
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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world into
PC
Fix the agreement mistake
PCs
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 or modern smartphones
instead
 of
books
. Games ,
as well as
programs
Add the comma(s)
programs,
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has
Change the verb form
have
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 many benefits for children
for instance
 they can learn more about tools which are needed in their life. Are Computers not only beneficial but
also
 harmful for
children
Change noun form
children's
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 health
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 Because between 6 and 12 children should be in healthy zone games could influence their psychology. Generally, there are several reasons why I believe that juniors should focus on reading stories from a paper. Their ideas
hugged
Add a missing verb
are hugged
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 day by day,
for instance
 whenever
there
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 are
read
Wrong verb form
reading
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record
Fix the agreement mistake
records
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their mind works fastest
due to
 that
degrees
Fix the agreement mistake
degree
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 heir can easily learn languages or new skills and
then
books
 sharpes their mental focus at the same time.
To sum up
, with
books
 our offspring can manipulate the brain. I agree with
this
 topic.
Submitted by @ur_davrik on

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coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure by organizing ideas in a more coherent manner. Introduction and conclusion need to be more developed and cohesive. Supporting points and ideas need to be more connected and supported.
task achievement
Adequate response to the task with clear and relevant ideas. However, the essay lacks depth and needs more comprehensive development of the arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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