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Band 5.5

Some people believe that culture will be ruined if it is used to earn tourism revenue, but others consider that tourism is the only way of protecting culture. Discuss both view and give your own opinion.

#people #culture #tourism #revenue
Many individuals think that
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
money
 from
tourism
 will destroy
culture
while
 others believe that
tourism
 is the best way to protect
culture
.
Make
Wrong verb form
Making
show examples
money
 from
tourism
 is thought to destroy
culture
 because lots of
tourist
Change to a plural noun
tourists
show examples
 now
don’t
 give any respect to it, but I widely agree with
whom
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 think that
culture
 will be protected by
tourism
due to
 its
popular
Replace the word
popularity
show examples
 and fanicial.
To begin
,
people
 believe that
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
money
 from
tourism
 will destroy
culture
 because lots of
tourist
Change to a plural noun
tourists
show examples
 now
don’t
 give any respect to it. To explain, some
tourist
Fix the agreement mistake
tourists
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
nowadays just
don’t
 care about the
culture
 some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
even ridicule the
culture
 of the local
people
, the reason is they
don’t
 understand the value of it. So that, it makes an enormous problem to the
culture
 that it will disappear by the day.
However
, I agree that the best way to protect
culture
due
Add a missing verb
is due
show examples
 to its
popular
Replace the word
popularity
show examples
 and
financial
Replace the word
finances
show examples
. It is convincing to realize that
tourism
 will motivate
people
 to come in to try and learn more about the local
culture
.
Moreover
,
tourism
 can furnish
money
 in order to improve the facilities to
facilitating
Wrong verb form
facilitate
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
culture
Replace the word
cultural
show examples
to develop
Wrong verb form
development
show examples
.
For example
,
tourist
Fix the agreement mistake
tourists
show examples
 can buy traditional things like clothes,
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
,
....
Replace the punctuation
...
show examples
They can
also
 donate
money
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
local
Correct article usage
the local
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 in order to make
culture
Correct article usage
the culture
show examples
 more developed.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
,
tourist
Fix the agreement mistake
tourists
show examples
 may give some good
coments
Correct your spelling
comments
for
Change preposition
about
show examples
tradition
Fix the agreement mistake
traditions
show examples
 in
places
Correct article usage
the places
show examples
 that they visited so that more
people
 can know about it. In conclusion,
tourism
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 both positive
as well as
 negative. But in my opinion, I lead to the statement that
tourism
 is the only way of protecting
culture
 because
tourism
 can give more
money
 to improve the
culture
 and advertise it for more
people
 can know.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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