IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. To what extents do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is believed that taking care of
children
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 is best achieved by
mothers
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 rather than fathers, which is why females should concentrate less on their careers.
In
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From
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 my perspective, I strongly disagree with
this
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 idea
and
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, and
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 the following paragraphs will elaborate more on that.
To begin
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 with, raising offspring is the responsibility of both parents. To illustrate, when the father takes part in taking care of his sons and daughters, it would allow the mom to have more time to keep a work-life balance.
For example
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, sharing the daily duties of making food
,
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apply
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and changing clothes would decrease the burden on the mother and allow her to do her job efficiently.
Additionally
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, a lot of working
mothers
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 have achieved the best position in their business without affecting their
children
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's lives.
In other words
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, being a mother is not a debilitating factor
and
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, and
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 it should not prevent any female from being a worker and doing what she wants to do.
Moreover
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, a lot of careers need females ,
for example
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, nursing and preventing
mothers
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 from working could lead to problems in the working sector or females choosing not to have
children
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 to keep their jobs
which
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, which
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 would result in a higher rate of infertility.
To conclude
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, I utterly disagree that
mothers
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 should only be assigned to raise
children
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 and leave their jobs. The reasons behind
this
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 are that raising
children
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 is a shared responsibility between parents, and being a mother should not prevent her from doing her role in the community and working at her best.

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development
Add more strong and true examples to back your view. Use small steps or facts that the reader can see.
language
Fix grammar and spell. Make head and tail clear; use more short and calm sentences.
content
Be careful with big claims (like infertility). If you want to keep them, add a source or change to a calmer statement.
structure
Give a clear intro and a short end that restate your view.
strength
You show a clear view that mothers should not only raise kids.
structure
There is a clear order: intro, body, and conclusion.
content
There are good ideas about sharing jobs in a family.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • primary caregivers
  • biological factors
  • maternal instincts
  • nurturing
  • workforce
  • career growth
  • income equality
  • family dynamics
  • shared responsibility
  • gender stereotypes
  • economic disparities
  • traditional roles
  • modern family
  • active roles in childcare
  • opportunity and support
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