many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar,which causes many health problems. sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar.
In
this
contemporary world, more and more people
have health problems because the producers add too much sugar
in
Change preposition
to
the
processed Correct article usage
apply
food
and drink. In order to prevent people
die
from the massive Wrong verb form
from dying
sugar
, some people
think we should add more taxes on the
sugary Correct article usage
apply
products
, so that the price
will be more expensive and people
will reduce buying the
Correct article usage
apply
food
with the
high levels of Correct article usage
apply
sugar
. Personally, I totally don’t agree to raise
the Change preposition
with raising
price
.
In my opinion, the reason why people
consume so much high-
Correct your spelling
high-sugar
sugar
food
and drinks is people
are easier to get and cheaper to buy than the
fresh Correct article usage
apply
food
or zero-sugar
nutriment, many people
would like to purchase unhealthy food
. First of all, because the
processed Correct article usage
apply
food
is cheaper than the
healthy and fresh Correct article usage
apply
food
and the salary is too low or there are many people
in one family, they can’t spend too much money only on the
Correct article usage
apply
food
and drinks every day, they have no choice but to buy the processed food
. Hence
, the main problem is about the price
and I don’t think increase
the Wrong verb form
increasing
price
will be useful for this
complicated situation.
Another reason is that the processed food
is more convenient to get. When walking on the road, most stores on the street sell more unhealthy products
than the healthy one
even in the supermarkets. Correct pronoun usage
ones
Therefore
, the other way to solve the problem is encouraging
the sellers to have more low-Change the verb form
to encourage
sugar
goods in their stores. I think when people
see them in sight, they are willing to buy.
In conclusion, I disagree that make
Verb problem
apply
the
sugary Correct article usage
apply
products
more
expensive just Add a missing verb
are more
for reducing
Change preposition
to reduce
the
Change the word
their
qualities
Fix the agreement mistake
quality
of
Change preposition
apply
them
. The more suitable way Correct pronoun usage
apply
are
to lower the Change the verb form
is
price
of the low-sugar
rather than higher the high-sugar
products
and sell them in as many shops as possible.Submitted by Joanna
on
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Language Use
Your essay would benefit from more formal and academic language. Phrases such as 'people die from the massive sugar' and 'people are easier to get and cheaper to buy' are overly casual and poorly worded.
Grammar
Be careful with grammatical errors. Sentences such as 'the reason why people consume so much high- sugar food and drinks is people are easier to get and cheaper to buy' contain misplaced modifiers and confusing usage.
Development and Support
Your supporting points could be stronger and more concise. Try to focus on one main idea per paragraph, and thoroughly explain and support this point before moving on to the next one.
Structure
Your conclusion could be improved. Restate your main points and give a brief summary of your supporting points.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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