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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which cause many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree with this idea?

#food #drink #products #level #sugar #health #people #idea
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
 of factories try to produce much
sugars
Fix the agreement mistake
sugar
show examples
 in foods and drinks.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
Sugar
show examples
sugar
 is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 human
health
. In
this
 regard, I agree with
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 idea that
sugar
 prices must be increased by the seller. The first reason why I agree with
this
 idea is that
human’s
Change noun form
human
show examples
health
.
According to
 the latest research on
sugar
, high
consumption
 of
sugar
 has a direct effect on citizen
health
. So the government must take proper action to keep people away from
sugar
 by increasing
sugar
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
,
however
This
 issue maintains an individual's
health
.
Furthermore
, I advocate that high costs of
sugar
 enable
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 to develop their incomes, It will help to pay more attention
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 other fields
for instance
 public
educations
Fix the agreement mistake
education
show examples
 or most welfare. Not only the incomes of
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 will be increased , but
also
Rephrase
apply
show examples
it
has
Wrong verb form
will also have
show examples
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 effect on public satisfaction.
Last
 but not least, Nowadays majority of
budget
Add an article
the budget
show examples
 is expanding on human remedies and
health
 care. The source of diseases can be
sugar
,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
,example
show examples
 blood
sugar
. In order to decrease
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these types of expenses it would be better to impose higher
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
 for
consumption
 control.
However
, governments are not dealing with hospital
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 problems. In summary,
although
 some people think that
consumption
 of
sugar
 is enjoyable. I would argue,
not
Correct word choice
that not
show examples
 only
sugar
consumption
 is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 human
health
, but
also
 it takes a significant budget
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 remedy. In order to decrease
sugar
consumption
, it is vital to increase
sugar
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 as soon as possible.
This
 is why I think high costs
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
sugar
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 acceptable.
Submitted by badrijalali on

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coherence coherence
Try to structure your sentences more accurately to avoid confusion. For example, 'Majority of factories try to produce much sugars in foods and drinks.' could be 'A majority of factories produce food and drink products with high sugar content.'
language use
Work on eliminating grammar errors. For instance, 'high costs of sugar enable government to develop their incomes' should be 'high costs of sugar enable the government to increase its income'.
task achievement
While your essay demonstrates an understanding of the question and presents relevant ideas, you could include a greater variety of specific examples to support your arguments.
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