IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which cause many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree with this idea?

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Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
 of factories try to produce much
sugars
Fix the agreement mistake
sugar
show examples
 in foods and drinks.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
Sugar
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
 is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 human
health
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 regard, I agree with
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 idea that
sugar
Use synonyms
 prices must be increased by the seller. The first reason why I agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea is that
human’s
Change noun form
human
show examples
health
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 the latest research on
sugar
Use synonyms
, high
consumption
Use synonyms
 of
sugar
Use synonyms
 has a direct effect on citizen
health
Use synonyms
. So the government must take proper action to keep people away from
sugar
Use synonyms
 by increasing
sugar
Use synonyms
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
,
however
Linking Words
This
Linking Words
 issue maintains an individual's
health
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, I advocate that high costs of
sugar
Use synonyms
 enable
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 to develop their incomes, It will help to pay more attention
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 other fields
for instance
Linking Words
 public
educations
Fix the agreement mistake
education
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 or most welfare. Not only the incomes of
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 will be increased , but
Linking Words
also
Rephrase
apply
show examples
it
has
Wrong verb form
will also have
show examples
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 effect on public satisfaction.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, Nowadays majority of
budget
Add an article
the budget
show examples
 is expanding on human remedies and
health
Use synonyms
 care. The source of diseases can be
sugar
Use synonyms
,
for
Linking Words
example
Add the comma(s)
,example
show examples
 blood
sugar
Use synonyms
. In order to decrease
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these types of expenses it would be better to impose higher
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
 for
consumption
Use synonyms
 control.
However
Linking Words
, governments are not dealing with hospital
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 problems. In summary,
although
Linking Words
 some people think that
consumption
Use synonyms
 of
sugar
Use synonyms
 is enjoyable. I would argue,
not
Correct word choice
that not
show examples
 only
sugar
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
 is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 human
health
Use synonyms
, but
also
Linking Words
 it takes a significant budget
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 remedy. In order to decrease
sugar
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
, it is vital to increase
sugar
Use synonyms
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 as soon as possible.
This
Linking Words
 is why I think high costs
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 acceptable.

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coherence coherence
Try to structure your sentences more accurately to avoid confusion. For example, 'Majority of factories try to produce much sugars in foods and drinks.' could be 'A majority of factories produce food and drink products with high sugar content.'
language use
Work on eliminating grammar errors. For instance, 'high costs of sugar enable government to develop their incomes' should be 'high costs of sugar enable the government to increase its income'.
task achievement
While your essay demonstrates an understanding of the question and presents relevant ideas, you could include a greater variety of specific examples to support your arguments.
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