IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
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While
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 some claim that raising the number of physical
activities
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 is an ideal approach to enhance the
health
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 of the communities, others argue that it has less impact and priority should be given to other factors. In my opinion, I consider that adding enhanced
health
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 services and hospitals would have a better result in terms of public
health
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. On the one hand, proponents of sports facilities should be made easily available, argue that physical
activities
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 help to keep
people
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 fit both physically and mentally. When
people
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 participate in
such
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 recreational
activities
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 their endurance and strength level increases.
Similarly
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, exercise
also
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 helps to burn extra calories promotes weight loss and reduces
overall
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 obesity rates.
Also
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, during physical ,
activities
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 our brain releases certain hormones which help to regulate our mood and reduce anxiety and stress levels.
For example
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, a study conducted in the United States has identified that the number of individuals who go gym on a regular basis
,
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apply
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 are less likely to be depressed as opposed to those who follow sedentary lifestyles.
On the other hand
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, it is often thought that improving
health
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 through exercise is just a preventive measure and focus should be given towards a more direct approach to treating
diseases
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. In
another word
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other words
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, exercise is a long-term process which takes time to deliver results and it is only a way to keep
people
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 fit and is not helpful in treating specific
diseases
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. To treat these
diseases
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 medications are necessary.
Therefore
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, investments should be made in research to identify new medicines for chronic
diseases
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 that deteriorate
peoples‘
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people's
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health
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.
Furthermore
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, increasing the number of hospitals and medical institutions with free or affordable
health
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 services is beneficial in order to keep
people
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 healthy.
For instance
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, individuals in Italy have a greater life span in comparison to individuals from other countries because of readily available
health
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 facilities. So, I agree that increasing medical institutions and facilities
such
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 as
health
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 insurance and free monthly checkups, play a vital role in improving the
health
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 conditions of the public. In conclusion,
although
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 physical
activities
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 help to keep
people
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 in good shape, I believe that specific treatments as per the nature of the illness are more important in order to raise the
health
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 condition of the public.
Submitted by notkhan01 on

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task response
The essay discusses both views and gives a clear opinion, but the main points are not well-developed and lack depth. More specific examples and elaboration are needed to strengthen the arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat weak. There is a lack of clear progression between ideas and the introduction and conclusion need further development for a more cohesive essay.
lexical resource
The lexical resource is adequate, but there is a need for a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely and with depth.
grammatical range
There are several grammatical errors in the essay, including issues with verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure. A more varied and accurate use of complex structures is needed.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
What to do next:
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