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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Recently there has been an increase in the number of families where both the husband and wife work. However, women should work less than men in order to take care of their children and do housework. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#families #husband #wife #work #women #men #care #children #housework
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Nowadays, a gradual rise can be witnessed in the count of families where both of the couples are working,
whereas
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 some individuals believe
women
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 have to
work
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 for less
amount
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 of
time
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,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 so that they can get additional
time
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 to look after
children
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 and house chores. I partially agree that
women
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 need to
work
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 for decent hours so that they can prioritise themselves their offspring and household
work
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.
Firstly
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, As a mother, the primary duty is to take care of their offspring and household
work
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. If
women
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work
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 more than enough
amount
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 of
time
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, it could affect the efficiency of raising
children
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.
Furthermore
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,
children
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 at smaller ages would need an adequate
amount
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 of love and caring in order to build a stronger mother-child bond which would be by spending a considerable
amount
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 of
time
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 with
children
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 and not at
work
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.
For example
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, statistically,
women
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 who
work
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 hourly long displayed low strength in forming connections with their families
due to
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 stress and poor
work
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-life balance.
This
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 is the reason priority towards family important than
work
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 for
women
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 it would be so helpful.
On the other hand
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, Both of the couples who
prefers
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prefer
show examples
 to
work
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 are surging day by day
due to
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 generational changes. Most people
earns
Change the verb form
earn
show examples
 on a daily basis
hence
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 they are left with no option but to make
women
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work
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 for long hours so that they can help their family financially.
In contrast
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, in order to make herself financially independent she works by choice deliberately by deprioritizing other things so she could leverage to expedite in achieving their dreams.
For instance
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,
women
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 who
work
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 for a longer day
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can make better progress at
work
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.
To conclude
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,
Although
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 there is a steep soar of count in families where husband and wife will
work
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, to improve
bond
Add an article
the bond
show examples
 of the co-ordination and caring between the members
women
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 need to
work
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 a shorter
amount
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 of
time
Use synonyms
 at
work
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 and spend most of the part with
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
.
Submitted by nikhiljulurin85 on

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