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Writing Samples
Band 6

The diagram below shows the stages in processing cocoa beans.

The diagram below shows the stages in processing cocoa beans.
The diagram illustrates the stages in how three
cocoa
Use synonyms
products
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 are created from the whole beans.
Overall
Linking Words
, the process includes three main stages
commences
Wrong verb form
commencing
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 with collecting raw ingredients and culminating in delivering
products
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 to the consumer and providing
cocoa
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liquor
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 to the industry.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the ripe pods are harvested and
then
Linking Words
 they are broken to remove their shells.Once the beans are collected, they are dried in order to eliminate the moisture inside and through pressing steps, the
cocoa
Use synonyms
liquor
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 is formed.
After
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 point, the
cocoa
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liquor
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 is processed in two ways. In the first method of processing, the former product goes through a
further
Linking Words
 pressing period so that the
cocoa
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 cake is produced.
Cocoa
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 cake continues to be grind and two final
products
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 are generated.
Cocoa
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 powder, which is delivered to the consumer and
cocoa
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liquor
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, a primary ingredient to make cakes and drinks in the chocolate industry. In the second method, the initial
cocoa
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liquor
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 is
further
Linking Words
 refined and created industrial chocolate. At the same time, sugar is added, the finished chocolate
products
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 are formed after the final processing step and
this
Linking Words
 is consumed by people afterwards.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further".
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words cocoa, products, liquor with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 2 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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