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Band 3.5

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweigh people in society? How can this problem be solved?

#people #risk #health #reason #growth #overweigh #society
The amount of folks who are risking and threatening their lives by being overweight is growing day by day. In
this
essay
Add a comma
,essay
show examples
 I will argue the causes of
this
 situation
and
Correct word choice
apply
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how to solve it and how to reduce the amount.
Although
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
sometimes obesity can be genetic or hormonal,it can
also
 occur
due to
 many factors,
firstly
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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having a poor healthy lifestyle,
for example
, in the United States the diet of most people
there
Rephrase
apply
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is loaded with high calories.
Secondly
,
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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 not exercising enough, the amount of hours you
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 in front
a
Change preposition
of a
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screen without moving your body a bit can lead to obesity.
Thirdly
 is age, fatness can happen at any age.But as you age, the number of muscles in your body
lean to decrease
Verb problem
decreases
show examples
, so
this
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
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 you to be less active and not move a lot.
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 many other factors can cause fatness
such
 as lack of sleep,stress and pregnancy. The solution for being overweight can account
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 multiple aspects, first, Having a healthy gut and a healthy diet,and
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is by choosing to eat healthy foods,
For Instance
 fruits,vegetables and healthful fats,second is limiting invalid and unhealthy foods
such
 as sweets,sugary drinks and junk food. Third is increasing physical activity and
that is
 by including walking,swimming and bicycling into your daily routine.
To conclude
,obesity can damage one’s life,you may not be able to enjoy all the physical activities you used to enjoy,
you
Correct word choice
and you
show examples
 may even start to avoid public places and become insecure.
Submitted by sherifF on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your arguments. For instance, instead of saying 'people there is loaded with high calories', you could give specific examples of high-caloric foods that are commonly consumed.
lexical resource
Try to use a more formal tone in your writing. Avoid using colloquial language such as 'folks' and slang phrases.
coherence cohesion
Structure your essay more effectively, and ensure that the introduction and conclusion are more elaborative and conclusive for the reader.
task achievement
Increase the clarity of your ideas. Some of the points were somewhat vague. For instance, when you talked about a 'healthy gut', it wasn't clear exactly what you were referring to. Do you mean a balanced diet?

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • serious health problems
  • unhealthy food
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • physical activity
  • psychological factors
  • stress
  • emotional eating
  • body image
  • eating habits
  • cultural norms
  • portion sizes
  • awareness
  • education
  • nutrition
  • healthy eating
  • dietary choices
  • promoting
  • fruits
  • vegetables
  • whole grains
  • physical activity
  • recreational facilities
  • balanced diets
  • implementing policies
  • food advertising
  • marketing
  • healthcare professionals
  • weight management
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