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Band 5.5

University experience is more important than a university’s degree. Some people argue that university life is much more important than an educational degree in job market. Do you agree or not agree?

#university #university’s #people #life #job #market
For most of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society, an education is the most important thing in adult
life
, which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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enormously
effect
Correct your spelling
affects
show examples
 landing a job and
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
show examples
 their
life
 conveniently.
While
 many people believe that university education should rely on
academical
Replace the word
academic
show examples
 studies and the
degree
 they get, others think that social
life
 is more essential in
employement
Correct your spelling
employment
. In my point of view, I moderately disagree with spending time on social skills rather than educational
degree
 and I will outline the reasons below.
Firstly
, an obtained
thereotical
Correct your spelling
theoretical
 knowledge depending on
field
Add an article
the field
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 of interest,
such
 as
bachelor's
Correct article usage
a bachelor's
show examples
degree
, is crucial for a person to complete any given task. The more you educate yourself, the more unique you get.
For instance
, students with master's
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
 are getting an offer with higher salaries in job applications among other
graduateds
Correct your spelling
graduates
.
Although
 no doubt that the condensed course schedules put a strain
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 teenagers to socialize, more often than not campus activities give an
oppurtunity
Correct your spelling
opportunity
 to
them getting
Verb problem
develop
show examples
 social skills and
mostly
Rephrase
apply
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networking.
Secondly
, an enriched university
life
 is partly attributed to the financial
mean
Fix the agreement mistake
means
show examples
 of the students, which in
this
 case could create a
visicous
Correct your spelling
vicious
viscous
 cycle if a person is not able to conveniently sustain their own
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
show examples
, which could cause them to
spent
Change the form of the verb
spend
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 more time
to work
Change the verb form
working
show examples
 in the future.
Consequently
, focusing on
this
 enjoyable social part of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
campus
life
 rather than the
academical
Replace the word
academic
show examples
 side could
resulting
Wrong verb form
result
show examples
 in
struggle
Add an article
a struggle
show examples
 to become an independent person in terms of
financial
Replace the word
finances
show examples
 and social. In conclusion, during
this
 period of time, pupils ought to concentrate on their
academical
Replace the word
academic
show examples
 skills to develop.
Therefore
, indeed the idea of supporting getting
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 university
degree
 over social
life
 is more aggreable.
Submitted by airbender on

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your position on the topic in the introduction paragraph.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
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coherence cohesion
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