IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Young people are often influenced in their behaviors and situations by others in the same age. This is called “peer pressure”. Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages?

#people #behaviors #situations #age #“peer #pressure” #peer #pressure
Peer
pressure
 has evolved as a majority topic of
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
concern in modern society.
While
 I accept that
this
 phenomenon is advantageous in a few ways. I firmly believe that its drawbacks are significant. I agree that there are some benefits of
peer
pressure
. The most obvious benefit is that
peer
pressure
 helps motivate young
people
 to feel like they should try harder to become better.
For example
, in academic achievement,
peer
pressure
 makes young
people
 realize they have to study harder and put in more effort to keep up with their peers. Without a sense of competition, it can be difficult to let the most brilliant and diligent students in a class shine. One more clear benefit to consider is that peers who are kind-hearted and optimistic can influence others to build these qualities in themselves.
Peer
pressure
 can encourage positive
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
such
 as healthy habits, and volunteering.
However
, I am strongly of the opinion that the disadvantages of
peer
pressure
 are more significant. The primary negative of
influenced
Add a missing verb
being influenced
show examples
 by others is that
peer
pressure
 makes them feel isolated if they are incompetent and not on the same level as their friends around them.
For example
, if
this
 happens in the classroom, students affected by
this
 feeling will become mentally unstable, feeling scared, autistic, and unable to communicate with anyone.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, young
people
 are drawn into age-inappropriate behaviours
such
 as drinking alcohol and smoking and
then
 dropping out of school, even taking drugs when they feel bored with life. In conclusion,
peer
pressure
 makes youth worse off.
It is clear that
 these consequences are greater than the benefits of
peer
pressure
, so young
people
 need to be aware of its effects and ignore
judge
Replace the word
judgment
show examples
 and the bad behaviours of others.
Submitted by anhnguhongmai on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Develop your introduction and conclusion to provide a clearer and more balanced overview of your position.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas in a more logical and cohesive manner.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
grammatical range accuracy
Check your grammar and sentence structure for errors.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Get your IELTS Essential Vocabulary List —
Topic Vocabulary:
  • peer pressure
  • influence
  • behaviors
  • situations
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • positive
  • negative
  • motivation
  • excel
  • learning
  • skills
  • knowledge
  • bullying
  • risky
  • harmful
  • personal values
  • beliefs
  • outweigh
What to do next:
Look at other essays: