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Band 4.5

Some people belive that money is one of the most important factors in a person's happiness. to what extend do you agree with this?

#people #belive #money #factors #person #happiness
money
 as we all know holds
important
Add an article
an important
show examples
 role in
people
's lives. But, speaking about
money
,
people
 believe that
money
 is
one
 of the most significant aspects to bring
people
joys
Fix the agreement mistake
joy
show examples
.
This
 statement,
however
, is always
contradictary
Correct your spelling
contradictory
. through
this
 essay, it will discuss that
money
afterall
Correct your spelling
after all
 is an important factor in
people
's delightments.
one
 important reason is that
money
 is always required in every small
things
Change to a singular noun
thing
show examples
 in humans' lives. when a
monther
Correct your spelling
mother
show examples
 raises
Correct article usage
a
show examples
newborn, she has to purchase
clothers
Correct your spelling
clothes
 and
stuffs
Change the wording
stuff
kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
show examples
 for the baby. when a child
finally
 reaches
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
school age, she through her parents is obtained to pay the school fee. what happens when the child is not able to go to school
while
 her friends are capable? she definitely will feel miserable. another reason is that when you have already lived a good life, you still have to have sufficient
money
 when you want to upgrade yourself.
for example
, a healthy body brings you happiness, and to be healthy, all you need
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 only
eating
Wrong verb form
eat
show examples
 good foods and
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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exercise. you are able to do free exercise in public areas,
such
 as jogging, running, and walking. but, your body will feel better if you
also
 balance it by taking vitamins as your daily routine, and
money
 is the
one
 that pays you vitamins. another
one
 is,
you
Correct word choice
that you
show examples
 are supposed to look good when smiling,
then
 you could have brackets on your teeth. those will help you tidy up your
teeth's
Change noun form
teeth
show examples
 structure, and using bracket
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
obviously demand
money
.
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 would conclude that
money
 helps
people
 to achieve their happiness.
however
, it is necessary for us to have
a correct knowledge
Remove the article
correct knowledge
a piece of correct knowledge
show examples
 in managing
money
.
thus
, we could
spen
Correct your spelling
spend
money
 wisely and it will not
create
Verb problem
cause
show examples
 us to be
dependant
Replace the word
dependent
show examples
 on it.
Submitted by semangatbanget.s2 on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion need to be more clearly stated and structured.
task achievement
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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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