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Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.

#children #hours #smartphones
Nowadays,
children
 spend hours on individual mobile devices. The principal cause of
this
trend
 is
developing
Correct article usage
the developing
show examples
 generation, yet I personally believe that it is a positive
trend
 under parent’s control. Some people call
20th
Correct article usage
the 20th
show examples
 century
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a technology century, which is a positive
trend
. It is
scarce
Correct word choice
rare
show examples
 to see
home
Add an article
a home
the home
show examples
 without any technology inside. Some parents award their
children
 with mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 and the main purpose of
this
 action
associated
Add a missing verb
is associated
show examples
 with early knowledge. Every parent would like their child
has
Wrong verb form
to have
show examples
 a knowledge at small
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
.
According to
 the research held in the USA, scientists suggest that 90% of
12 years old
Correct your spelling
12-year-old
children
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 smartphones.
Thus
, it depends on
parent’s
Correct article usage
the parent’s
show examples
 responsibilities.
According to
 my personal thoughts, it is a positive
trend
while
 parents control their
children
’s
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 constantly. It will have good results for our future in terms of technologies and discoveries.
In addition
, some schools allow tablets and smartphones during
lesson
Fix the agreement mistake
lessons
show examples
 for
further
 studies. Scientist from the research carried out in
Netherlands
Correct article usage
the Netherlands
show examples
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
found
out
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that schools in
Netherlands
Correct article usage
the Netherlands
show examples
 have
excellent
Add an article
an excellent
show examples
 rate of admissions to abroad universities,
due to
 their education system and usage of technology during lessons. Eventually, using mobile phones at
early
Add an article
an early
show examples
 age has positive impacts on individual knowledge. In conclusion, allowing
children
use
Fix the infinitive
to use
show examples
 smartphones is definitely
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
trend
, in case they are under parental control.
Submitted by huseynzadasettar on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas more clearly to improve coherence and cohesion.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to improve lexical resource.
grammatical range accuracy
Review your grammar to reduce errors and improve grammatical accuracy.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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