IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people regard video games as useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

#people #video #games #tool #videos #effect
Nowadays, some people believe that
video
games
 are useful as an educational tool,
while
 others think that the drawbacks of playing these kinds of
games
 are more. Personally, I believe that there are more disadvantages
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 engaging with
video
games
. I will explain my reasons in the following paragraphs. On the one hand, spending so much time on
video
games
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 the kids to become conditional. What I mean by
this
, children who play so many computer
games
 do not study enough, unless they
encourage
Wrong verb form
are encouraged
show examples
 by
video
games
.
Consequently
, it has negative effects on their educational level as they engage more
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the playing parts rather than the study sectors.
On the other hand
, spending so much time on
computer
Correct article usage
the computer
show examples
 playing
games
, not only leads to physical problems
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 causes mental issues.
Furthermore
, researchers found out that children who play more virtual
games
 are more violent
among
Change preposition
than
show examples
 others and they will have more health issues in the future.
For instance
, my sister's friend used to play so many
video
games
 when she was a child and not only she wore glasses and
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 to do
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
eye surgery, but
also
 she had so much violence toward others and had to use some pills in order to control her
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
Last
 but not least,
psychologicaly
Correct your spelling
psychologically
psychological
 speaking, when children have
unlimitted
Correct your spelling
unlimited
 access to these kinds of
games
, is hard to
avoid
Verb problem
prevent
show examples
 them of not playing all kinds of
games
. To some extent, in some
cases
Add a comma
,cases
show examples
 they try to copy the character's behavior which some of them are not appropriate. In conclusion, the increased use of
video
games
 should be
viewd
Correct your spelling
viewed
 as a negative development and should be controlled more by families in order to have
healthier
Add an article
a healthier
show examples
 society.
Submitted by parvane_ava on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: