IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

In many places, shopping is the leisure time activity for young adults. Why is it so? Do you think it is a negative or a positive development?

#places #leisure #time #activity #adults #development
These days, many young adults spend so much time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
shopping and look at it as a hobby. There are many reasons why
this
 is the case. Personally, I believe that
this
 is a negative development and I will explain my reasons in the following paragraphs. In my viewpoint, one of the main reasons for
this
 phenomenon is the variety of online advertisements which convince young adults to buy from them, which is a negative development. On the one hand, by purchasing a lot,
people
 are wasting their money without noticing. Nowadays, it can be seen many online shops and because it is more convenient for
people
 they spend so much more money on online shopping than before and somehow it is a leisure activity for them. To some extent,
people
 are becoming poorer and making big companies richer.
On the other hand
, some
people
 waste their money on things they don't need and
this
 causes more damage to the environment.
For instance
, they see their friends bought something and they buy that stuff just to show them they are capable of purchasing everything they want.
Consequently
,
this
 leads to
waste
Correct article usage
the waste
show examples
 so many non-recyclable materials which harms the environment.
Last
 but not least, some
people
 believe that by shopping excessively, they can increase their life quality and show others their life level is high.
To conclude
, the rise of shopping should be viewed as a negative development and must be controlled by the government in order to keep the environment a safer place.
Submitted by parvane_ava on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
task achievement
Consider providing a counterargument or addressing potential opposing viewpoints to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the logical structure of your essay is clear and easy to follow.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your essay.
grammatical range accuracy
Review your grammar to improve accuracy.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: