IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The government's investment in arts, music and theatre is a waste of money. Governtments should invest funds in public services instead. To what extent do you agree with this statement

#government #investment #arts #music #theatre #waste #money #governtments #funds #services
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Country
Use synonyms
 runners are spending lots of money in the fields of arts, drama and music.
On the contrary
Linking Words
 , the government can utilize
this
Linking Words
 money for the improvement of buses , national banks etcetera. I ,
however
Linking Words
 ,disagree with the latter as the promotion of a nation's culture
Add the comma(s)
, as well as the awareness of social issues,
show examples
as well as
Linking Words
 the awareness of social issues are possible
due to
Linking Words
 the fields of cinema and numerous art forms only. To initiate , films and series native to a
country
Use synonyms
 are made on the basis of the prevalence of a particular culture . A famous short film of
India
Use synonyms
 , The Bulbul ,was set up in the era of the nineteenth century ,where males ruled predominately. It showed the painful issue of dowry
along with
Linking Words
 marital rape and the latter was not talked about openly. But after its release,
this
Linking Words
 movie created havoc not only in
India
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 worldwide. The oppressed ladies came out openly, arranged rallies and started asking for justice and it was reported that many got the same too.
Moreover
Linking Words
 , spending a handsome amount of money in the field of music by promoting it through famous artists fetches viewers from every corner of the world. To illustrate , a famous music carnival of
India
Use synonyms
that is
Linking Words
 held in Delhi every year attracts millions of listeners not only from
India
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 from around the globe ,which directly adds to the economy of the province. Not only
this
Linking Words
 ,it
also
Linking Words
 promotes tourism as visitors would travel to famous locations of the
country
Use synonyms
 like The Taj Mahal and the Golden Temple.
Thus
Linking Words
 , benefitting the organisers ,the singers as well and the government in the form of taxes.
To conclude
Linking Words
, artistic fields like jazz,classics ,bhangra , and dramas are pivotal for a
country
Use synonyms
 because they bring laurels to the
country
Use synonyms
 making it famous among its contemporaries and playing a leading role in the growth of a region.
Submitted by lkapila25 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: