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Writing Samples
Band 8

City dwellers seldom socialize with their neighbors today, and the sense of community has been lost. Why did this happen? And how can this be solved?

#city #dwellers #neighbors #sense #community #happen #be
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With the advancement of society, there is an adverse phenomenon that citizens in cities are not likely to socialize with their neighbours, and the sense of community has been lost.
This
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 essay will analyze the reasons from social
cost
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 and
time
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, and
also
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 list resolutions.
Firstly
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, the fact that the
cost
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 of offline socialization is higher than that of online making friends indicates that the public doesn’t like to make closer relationships with their neighbours. Take Facebook as an example, it is an online platform where individuals share their daily lives and post interesting stories, attracting those who have the same interests to come to them without any action. In comparison, when building friendships with
people
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 who live next door, knowing their habits is the first thing that we should do.
Also
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, it is necessary to confirm when it is the best
time
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 to knock on the door and whether there is someone who is in the house, resulting in the
time
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 and energy for socializing cannot be ignored.
Therefore
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, no one likes to get in touch with others.
Secondly
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, it is undeniable that a busy lifestyle is one of the reasons why city dwellers keep themselves in their own space. To be more specific, the expensive
cost
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 of living in cities and the fiercely competitive working environment push human beings to spend more
time
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 working, leaving little for rest, let alone socializing, which is an activity requiring an amount of
time
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 and energy.
In addition
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, the issue that the timetable cannot be matched among
people
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also
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 leads to distance.
As a result
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, an increasing number of
people
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 keep themselves alone at home. In response to
this
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 issue, efforts from the government should be required. Primarily, more entertaining activities which most
people
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 are interested in should be held in communities in order to cut the wasting
time
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 on getting to know each other.
Besides
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, it is essential for the government to take action to reduce the
cost
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 of living and to limit working hours daily. By making
such
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 efforts, the public may once again immerse themselves in the joy of making friends.
Submitted by hxk7664 on

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Introduction
The introduction could be stronger with a more engaging opening and a clearer thesis statement.
Task Achievement
Try to include more specific examples and evidence to support your points in the body paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
The coherence and cohesion could be improved by using clearer transitional phrases between ideas.
Lexical Resource
Work on expanding your range of vocabulary by using more varied and precise words and phrases.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Pay attention to sentence structure and sentence complexity to create more variety in your writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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