There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work

Some people suggest that

school

Fix the agreement mistake

schools

show examples

should remove academic-unrelated courses

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

so that

students

could

Wrong verb form

can

show examples

focus on their studying and achieve academic success.

However

, I disagree with

this

idea.

This

is because there are many benefits for

student

Fix the agreement mistake

students

show examples

to participate

these

Change preposition

in these

show examples

non-academic

subjects

Firstly

, when taking part in non-academic curriculums,

students

have opportunities to explore their interests and develop their expertise for

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

future employment.

For example

, some

individual

Fix the agreement mistake

individuals

show examples

might master cooking or sports, they could practice their skills in courses with

teacher's

Correct article usage

a teacher's

show examples

professional guidance

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

and would have more chances to participate in competitions, and

furthermore

Add a comma

furthermore,

show examples

they might gain outstanding records on their resume. Second of all,

school

should be a place delivering knowledge for various youngsters,

instead

of restricting their thoughts and personal development. The reason is that everyone has different personalities and habits,

they

Correct word choice

and they

show examples

will find themselves in different

subjects

On the other hand

, academic performance is not the only consequence

how

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of how

show examples

we value a person, especially for

young

Add an article

the young

show examples

generation who are still finding their way.

Besides

, participating in

interested

Replace the word

interesting

show examples

activities and

subjects

could release their pressure by transferring their attention from academic work to other

subjects

, which would help them to feel relaxed and

feel joyfulness

Wrong verb form

joyful

show examples

. In conclusion, I do not agree with removing non-academic courses to let

students

only concentrate on academic work.

This

is because I believe that academic performance should not be the only thing the

school

and people care about.

Besides

, if so, it would restrict

students

to develop

Change preposition

from developing

show examples

their talents and habits and they might find more stress at

school

due to

lacking

Wrong verb form

a lack of

show examples

time to

be relax

Change the verb form

relax

show examples

and

enjoy

Correct pronoun usage

enjoy themselves

show examples

Submitted by phoebejanzi on Fri Oct 06 2023

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Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

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9Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
19Grammar mistakes
 

5 paragraphs

265 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

pressure
succeed
academically
non-academic
physical education
cookery
school syllabus
concentrate
academic work
well-rounded
enhancement
practical skills
balanced education system

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Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty. Therefore, developed countries should give other types of help to the poor countries rather than financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Levels of consumer debt are increasing across the world. To address this, a new subject should be introduced in secondary schools: how to manage personal finances. To what extent do you agree with this statement?