IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #governments #ban #sports #freedom #activity
It is a common belief that authorities ought to prohibit insecure physical
activities
.
However
, there is a more persuasive argument that
has
Correct pronoun usage
one has
show examples
 the freedom to do any
sports
 or activity .The following essay will go through both viewpoints.
To begin
 with , The increasing
number
 of
people
 who
relly
Correct your spelling
really
show examples
 want to join the risky sport. It through by a
number
 of
people
 think that governments ought to ban
sports
. The first reason is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 these
activities
 pose a significant risk to the health and
safety
 of participants and require significant medical resources to treat injuries.
Secondly
, threatening
sports
 can have a negative societal impact , leading to an increased burden on healthcare systems and encouraging young citizens to engage in risky behaviours.
Finally
 , prohibiting unsafe
sports
 can help promote a culture of
safety
 and responsibility .
On the other hand
,
people
 should have the ability to engage in
sports
 or
activities
 that they enjoy, even if they may be considered risky.
However
, it is vital to balance
this
 freedom with the potential risks and negative consequences associated with these
activities
. Terminal, it is up to individuals to make decisions about their own
safety
 and well-being.
For example
, participating in
sports
 where the contention phase is easily controversial and easy to fight leads to
people
’s lives. In short, it is thought
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
number
 of
people
 that a
number
 of
people
 think
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 government should ban threatening
sports
moreover
 others hold
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 view that
people
 should have the freedom to do any physical activity.I believe
people
 are entitled to play insecure
sports
 if they want , and in lieu of a ban would help ease the
safety
 .
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

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coherence cohesion
Provide clearer topic sentences in each paragraph to improve the logical structure.
task achievement
Make sure the essay fully addresses both viewpoints and provides a clearer opinion.
task achievement
Include more specific and relevant examples to support your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • severe injuries
  • fatalities
  • base jumping
  • bull running
  • extreme skiing
  • safeguard
  • well-being
  • regulating
  • avoidable harm
  • healthcare costs
  • burdening
  • personal freedom
  • autonomy
  • training
  • equipment
  • mitigated
  • personal satisfaction
  • mental health benefits
  • resilience
  • adventure
  • assess risks
  • public safety
  • unnecessary healthcare costs
  • outright bans
  • balanced approach
  • stringent safety standards
  • mandatory training sessions
  • adequately informed
  • safeguarding
  • public health
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