IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #governments #ban #sports #freedom #activity
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It is a common belief that authorities ought to prohibit insecure physical
activities
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.
However
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, there is a more persuasive argument that
has
Correct pronoun usage
one has
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 the freedom to do any
sports
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 or activity .The following essay will go through both viewpoints.
To begin
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 with , The increasing
number
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 of
people
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 who
relly
Correct your spelling
really
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 want to join the risky sport. It through by a
number
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 of
people
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 think that governments ought to ban
sports
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. The first reason is that
,
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apply
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 these
activities
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 pose a significant risk to the health and
safety
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 of participants and require significant medical resources to treat injuries.
Secondly
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, threatening
sports
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 can have a negative societal impact , leading to an increased burden on healthcare systems and encouraging young citizens to engage in risky behaviours.
Finally
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 , prohibiting unsafe
sports
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 can help promote a culture of
safety
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 and responsibility .
On the other hand
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,
people
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 should have the ability to engage in
sports
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 or
activities
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 that they enjoy, even if they may be considered risky.
However
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, it is vital to balance
this
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 freedom with the potential risks and negative consequences associated with these
activities
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. Terminal, it is up to individuals to make decisions about their own
safety
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 and well-being.
For example
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, participating in
sports
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 where the contention phase is easily controversial and easy to fight leads to
people
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’s lives. In short, it is thought
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
number
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 of
people
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 that a
number
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 of
people
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 think
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 government should ban threatening
sports
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moreover
Linking Words
 others hold
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 view that
people
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 should have the freedom to do any physical activity.I believe
people
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 are entitled to play insecure
sports
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 if they want , and in lieu of a ban would help ease the
safety
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 .
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

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coherence cohesion
Provide clearer topic sentences in each paragraph to improve the logical structure.
task achievement
Make sure the essay fully addresses both viewpoints and provides a clearer opinion.
task achievement
Include more specific and relevant examples to support your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • severe injuries
  • fatalities
  • base jumping
  • bull running
  • extreme skiing
  • safeguard
  • well-being
  • regulating
  • avoidable harm
  • healthcare costs
  • burdening
  • personal freedom
  • autonomy
  • training
  • equipment
  • mitigated
  • personal satisfaction
  • mental health benefits
  • resilience
  • adventure
  • assess risks
  • public safety
  • unnecessary healthcare costs
  • outright bans
  • balanced approach
  • stringent safety standards
  • mandatory training sessions
  • adequately informed
  • safeguarding
  • public health
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