IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Music should not be taught in schools along with other subjects such as computers and science. Do you agree or disagree? Or (How far do you agree with this statement?) (To what extent do you agree with this statement?)

#music #schools #subjects #computers #science
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I will start with why
music
 should not be taught in
school
. In my experience, hearing melody can be a stress reliever and
also
 a pain killer. I do not think that
music
 can be a distraction to
students
 from other primary subjects like computers and science. If I have to choose which academy I want to go to, I will choose the one that has
music
 lessons over the others that do not. Student tends to think that art
such
 as singing, dancing and painting is something stressful, but that happens when they assume that they do not have any musical capabilities. So, in order to wash off the stress from
students
' minds,
music
 teachers should change the way they teach.
Music
 classes have to be fun, so that student can feel at ease and place
music
class
 as their space to rest. When the
students
 attend their
music
class
, they have to free their minds from other subjects' burdens. It might be overwhelming for some
students
 to study at
school
 every day, so I think it is good to have a proper
music
class
 in
school
. In my opinion, it is wise to put
music
 lessons as a subject in
school
, so that the other subjects will not be affected. I
also
 found that there are many researches showing that
music
 can heal sick people. It
also
 said that listening to some kind of
music
 can help boost a baby's growth.
Music
 is the most universal language for mankind. Though we can not understand some kind of language on
this
 planet, we can understand the message which singer deliver within their song. We can feel emotions,
such
 as pain, happiness, or relief. In conclusion, I believe
music
 should be taught in
school
. But in need special teacher and special treatment to handle the
class
. So that the
students
 will find
music
 as their safe place and can be their favourite one.
Submitted by semangatbanget.s2 on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction does not clearly state the writer's position on whether music should be taught in schools. It would be helpful to clearly state whether you agree or disagree with the statement in the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion should summarize the main points of the essay and clearly state the writer's position on whether music should be taught in schools. It would also be beneficial to provide a brief explanation or justification for the writer's position.
task achievement
The essay would benefit from more specific examples or evidence to support the main points. This would help to strengthen the argument and provide a stronger basis for the writer's position.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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