IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some individuals prefer temporary employment, which allows them to work only a few months each year and dedicate the remaining time to pursuing their interests. What is your opinion?

#individuals #employment #work #months #year #time #interests
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Today, many people prefer flexible working styles that help them control their work-life balance.
This
 means they work during certain months of the
year
 and use the remaining time to pursue their interests. In my opinion,
while
 there are some benefits to doing
this
, I believe it does more harm than good.
Firstly
, the main disadvantage of choosing temporary employment is the risk of unemployment. Once a person leaves a
job
 after a few months, finding a
job
 in the future becomes unpredictable. With living standards rising
year
 by
year
 in many countries, spending is likely to be much higher than income in the short term.
For example
, except for professionals
such
 as freelance workers who rely on business in specific months, it is very difficult to find a
job
 now. More and more fresh graduates are looking for jobs every
year
.
In addition
, without sufficient savings, personal interests cannot be fully realized.
This
 is extremely difficult without a regular source of income.
Additionally
, short-term jobs do not provide enough experience for career advancement. They cannot apply for larger positions in any specific field as they are constantly less experienced than their rivals. In
this
 case, they are unsure if they can continue their careers in their area of expertise and may even accept lower salaries
due to
job
 pressure.
For example
, many professional photographers in India operate in seasonal businesses and face stiff competition. Sometimes they offer discounts to customers that are higher than the market price of their services. All in all,
although
 some people believe that part-time work enables individuals to have sufficient time for their personal pursuits, having a stable source of income is crucial to achieving those goals. Unless people have experience in certain niche jobs, it is important not to take a chance by choosing part-time
instead
 of full-time.
Submitted by yuqingchen10 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Work on structuring your main points in a more organized manner. Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that all ideas logically follow one another.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and provide a clear framework for your argument. However, consider refining these sections so that they clearly reflect each other, reinforcing your stance.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support your main points with a wider range of examples and data. While your argument is clear, additional support would enhance the strength of your claims.
Task Achievement
Ensure that you fully address all parts of the task. Discuss both sides of the argument evenly before stating your opinion to show a balanced consideration of the topic.
Task Achievement
Elaborate your ideas further to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic. This can involve acknowledging potential counterarguments and providing refutations.
Task Achievement
Use relevant examples to underpin your arguments, but strive to include a more diverse range of examples for a stronger essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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