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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Excessive sugar consumption causes many diseases. Some people think that it is the government responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption while others think that it is the individual’s responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. Discuss both views

#sugar #consumption #diseases #people #government #responsibility #limit #people’s #individual’s #amount
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According to
 the research,
sugar
 is the key culprit for the creation of a number of diseases.
While
 there is a group of
people
 who advocate the notion that the government must bear the responsibility to regulate the
amount
 of
sugar
consumption
 per person, others claim that everyone must bear the corresponding commitment to stay away from
sugar
. It is my firm belief that each side has its own merits and demerits which ought to be addressed meticulously.
To begin
 with, the involvement of governments in the excessive
sugar
consumption
 problem would be a pragmatic measure to take unless the problem's scope is extended to a degree
that is
 no longer controllable.
In other words
, governments cannot bear a direct responsibility to
control
 the exact
amount
 of
sugar
consumption
 at
such
 an elaborate scale,
therefore
, government actions should not consist no more than a voluntary act which needs to be fulfilled by
people
.
For example
, in the USA in which obesity is identified as one of if not the most prevalent diseases, the government's reach is limited to the
consumption
amount
 of
sugar
 as they can only propose or recommend certain actions to diminish the volume of
sugar
 in the daily diet of
people
.
Nevertheless
,
this
 does not signify that it will not be a feasible approach to
control
this
 value by dragging the governments into it, but rather
instead
 it will play a supportive role.
On the other hand
, I think the best way to
control
this
 issue is by raising awareness among the
people
 and delegating
people
 themselves as responsible for ensuring that a limited
amount
 of
sugar
 goes into their bodies. As a vivid example of
this
 case, in countries like Germany and Sweden
people
 themselves are instructed and educated to be conscious of their diets and keep
sugar
consumption
 as low as possible by applying certain techniques.
Furthermore
, as time goes by, the number of healthy
people
 will increase substantially, eventually remedying the repercussions of consuming too much
sugar
.
To sum up
,
although
 each idea has numerous paybacks, the results will be much more successful if the responsibility is given to the
people
 themselves to
control
 the
sugar
amount
.
Submitted by orkhanshamil on

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Introduction
The introduction is clear and addresses the topic, but could be expanded to provide more context and background information.
Introduction
The essay lacks a clear thesis statement. Include a sentence that states your main argument or position.
Coherence and Cohesion
The body paragraph could be better organized. Consider dividing your points into separate paragraphs for clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Expand on each main point and provide more supporting details and examples to strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to illustrate your points and make your argument more convincing.
Lexical Resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to demonstrate your language proficiency.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Check your grammar and sentence structure. Some sentences are unclear and could be revised for clarity.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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