IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
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Since
rapid
Add an article
the rapid
show examples
 development of technology
people
 have started spending a lot of time
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
gadets
Correct your spelling
gadgets
gardens
. Certain humans believe that watching abuse on
devises
Replace the word
devices
show examples
 can cause terrible problems
while
 others
totally
Rephrase
apply
show examples
concider
Correct your spelling
consider
 that
such
 content cannot damage mental health. I
am absolutely consider
Change the verb form
absolutely consider
show examples
 that
violence
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the internet
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
's
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. First of all, every
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 starts forming
since
Change preposition
in
show examples
 childhood and the main role
plays
Verb problem
is
show examples
 family. The
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, manner of
speach
Correct your spelling
speech
, and
espessially
Correct your spelling
especially
tendency
Correct article usage
the tendency
show examples
 to aggression
goes
Change the verb form
go
show examples
 from
parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
show examples
 style of education. If parents argue a lot, home
violence
 exists, child will grow
with hate
Change preposition
up hating
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
other innoсent
people
 and they will try to do the same evil which exists at home. For
examle
Correct your spelling
example
, at my school was a boy who always tried to hurt girls
unil
Correct your spelling
until
class
Correct article usage
the class
show examples
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
discovered that he had serious problems with his mother.
Thus
, a lot of
agression
Correct your spelling
aggression
 can appear
due to
 improper education of children and
such
 omission may even destroy
ones
Change to a genitive case
one's
show examples
 life. Anyway,
although
 some
people
 strongly consider that all of the
nedativity
Correct your spelling
negativity
nativity
 that
people
 can watch on TV or in any other content will affect them, I doubt it. Any
manifistation
Correct your spelling
manifestation
manifestations
 of
violence
 has always been and history is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
proof of that. For as long as humanity has existed uncountable number of wars
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 been fought and in that time
people
 lived
withought
Correct your spelling
without
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
.
For example
, during The Second World
War
Add a comma
War,
show examples
 humans were killed just for their race.
Hence
, gadgets do not play
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 role in changing
people
's mental health. Taking everything
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 consideration it can be concluded that even
thought
Correct your spelling
though
show examples
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 can include elements of
violence
, it does not affect
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
's
behavior
otherwise
 the world would go crazy.
That is
 why I am totally sure watching
such
 content
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not influence
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
himan's psychology.
Submitted by daria.s.poroshina on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
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