IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many manufactured food and products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #products #levels #sugar #health #people
The majority of manufactured foods and drinks contain high levels of
sugar
, which
contribute
Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes
show examples
 to numerous health problems. To encourage people to consume less
sugar
, it is suggested that sugary
products
 should be made more expensive. I completely agree with
this
 statement, and I will explain my reasons in
this
 essay. A diet high in
sugar
 has several drawbacks. One of the most significant side effects of consuming excessive amounts of
sugar
 is obesity, which can lead to various health issues
such
 as diabetes, dental caries, and heart attacks.
For example
, an audit conducted by the NHS in the UK in 2019 reported an 85
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 correlation between being overweight and developing diabetes.
Moreover
, communities with a high
sugar
 intake experienced a 30
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 increase in dental caries.
Therefore
, the more
sugar
 is consumed, the higher the risk of developing these diseases. Making sugary
products
 more expensive is the most effective way to discourage their consumption. Many individuals face financial difficulties and cannot afford to purchase expensive items.
For instance
, if someone wants to buy a sugary drink, they would have to pay double the price compared to a healthy drink. Recent research has shown a 50
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 decrease in the consumption of sugary drinks after their prices were raised. In conclusion, I strongly agree with the argument that sugary
products
 should be made less affordable to encourage people to consume them less. These
products
 have detrimental effects
such
 as obesity, diabetes, dental caries, and heart attacks.
Therefore
, increasing their price is an effective approach to address these disadvantages.
Submitted by fbagheri285 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

content
Overall, the essay lacks depth and development of ideas. It would be beneficial to provide more specific examples and evidence to support the arguments made.
structure
The logical structure of the essay is weak. It would be helpful to have clearer topic sentences in each paragraph and a more organized flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
Improve the use of transition words and phrases to enhance coherence and cohesion.
lexical resource
Expand the vocabulary used and vary sentence structures for a higher lexical resource score.
grammatical range accuracy
There are multiple instances of grammatical errors throughout the essay. Proofread and revise for improved grammatical range and accuracy.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: