IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Advanced technology has brought many beneficial changes to the world. However, some old people today struggle with the use of technologies such as mobile phones and the Internet. How can the elderly benefit from using advanced technologies? How can the elderly be encouraged to use consumer electronics more often?

#technology #changes #world #people #struggle #technologies #phones #internet #benefit #consumer #electronics
Nowadays
,.
Change the punctuation
,
.
show examples
 a significant number of older citizens face
cutting edge
Add a hyphen
cutting-edge
show examples
technologies, but sometimes being confused
in
Change preposition
about
show examples
 using and consuming devices could be the main aim of rejection.
Furthermore
, modern technologies have become increasingly popular
due to
 convenience and frequent
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 to help
people
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 any issue . The positive aspects of enhanced technologies include the easiest way to help elderly citizens in an emergency.
People
’s health will be controlled by innovative methods of fast reaction
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 special sights of possible danger,
such
 as buttons in smartphones which are studably helpful because of rapid and simple moves to call their relatives or hospitals.
This
 way will contribute to the reduction of
dramatical
Replace the word
dramatic
show examples
 situations where a person will be saved.
Nevertheless
, it could be seen that senior citizens should be stimulated
in using
Change preposition
to use
show examples
 electronic devices. There are many ways of possible variations to inform and motivate
people
. In order to contribute to the beneficial functions of development, the government should organize some special occasions for
people
 who are not educated in using technology.
In addition
, not only
social
Add a missing verb
do social
show examples
 events have to be popularized, but
also
manufactures
Replace the word
manufacturers
show examples
 possibly implement facilities of
fast
Add an article
the fast
show examples
 and easiest way to learn how to use their
prodictation
Correct your spelling
production
prediction
 will simplify their life. In conclusion, the development of technology has already tackled some issues related to long reactions and inaccessible calls or constant communication with the hospital,
however
people
 still have some difficulties with using it. These issues should be spread if
people
 will define
this
 problem seriously.
Submitted by maryammzd001 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion
Provide a more clear and comprehensive introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Use more relevant and specific examples to support your ideas.
logical structure
Improve the logical structure of your essay.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary and collocations.
grammatical range accuracy
Review and correct your sentence structures and grammar.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: