IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

To learn effectively, children need to eat a healthy meal at school. How true is this statement? Whose responsibility is it to provide food for school children?

#children #school #responsibility #food
Some people
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that
children
 should eat
a healthy
Remove the article
healthy food
a portion of healthy food
show examples
food
 at
school
 so they can effectively learn in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
class
. In my point of view, there is a big
corelation
Correct your spelling
correlation
 between the
food
 that the
children
 consume at
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
 and their performance in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
class
.
Moreover
,
parents
 have a big responsibility to provide meals for
pupils
. First of all, I believe that the healthy
food
 that the
school
children
 eat at
school
 can
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 them in the
class
.
This
 is because the healthy
food
 that they consume contains the vitamins that can enhance their fitness levels,
for instance
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
vegetables and fruits.
As a result
,
children
 can become more
focus
Wrong verb form
focused
show examples
to follow
Change preposition
on following
show examples
 the learning process in the
class
. Having said that, I do believe that another important
points
Replace the adjective
point
show examples
 that can make them learn
affectively
Correct your spelling
effectively
show examples
 is
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the teacher itself and the facilities.
In other words
, if the
pupils
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not have a creative teacher and
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
good facilities at
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
,
then
 they cannot learn effectively even though they consume
a healthy
Remove the article
healthy food
a portion of healthy food
show examples
food
.
Secondly
,
parents
 should prepare
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
food
 for their
pupils
. It is undeniable that
school
children
 tend to consume junk
food
,
therefore
,
parents
 should provide them with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
food
 that
contain
Change the verb form
contains
show examples
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 level of vitamins
such
 as meat and fish.
This
 strategy will be helpful for the
children
 because it can make them healthier. If they have
a good conditions
Correct the article-noun agreement
good conditions
a good condition
show examples
, they could learn effectively in the
class
.
Moreover
,
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 should control
the
Change the word
their
show examples
children
 to not
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
overconsume fast
food
.
This
 can
avoid
Verb problem
prevent
show examples
 the
children
 from
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
such
 as
diarrhea
Change the spelling
diarrhoea
show examples
. All in all, as far as I am concerned, eating
a healthy
Remove the article
healthy food
a portion of healthy food
show examples
food
 at
school
 can make the
pupils
 produce a good performance in the
class
.
Therefore
,
parents
 have the responsibility to provide their
school
children
 with
a healthy meals
Correct the article-noun agreement
healthy meals
a healthy meal
show examples
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Expand on the argument regarding the responsibility of schools in providing food for children.
lexical resource
Use more advanced vocabulary and varied sentence structures.
grammatical range accuracy
Pay attention to adjective-noun agreement and verb tense consistency.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: