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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The Chart below gives information about the age of women in Australia when they gave birth to their first child in 1966, 1986 and 2006. Summerise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and making relevant comparisons.

The Chart below gives information about the age of women in Australia when they gave birth to their first child in 1966, 1986 and 2006. Summerise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and making relevant comparisons.
#information #age #women #australia #birth #first #child #summerise #features #comparisons
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The bar graph shows
the
Correct article usage
apply
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information
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
rate
Use synonyms
 of having the
first
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 child in
Australian
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women
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in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every 20
years
Use synonyms
 between 1966
to
Correct word choice
and
show examples
2006.
Overall
Linking Words
 , the
Use synonyms
Australian
Correct quantifier usage
number of Australian
show examples
 younger
women
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 who
gave
Verb problem
had
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the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
first
Use synonyms
 child
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
rapidly decreased. By the way, the
Australian
Use synonyms
 older
women
Use synonyms
 who
have
Verb problem
were
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Replace the word
aged
show examples
age
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in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
25-29
years
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 old and 30-34
years
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 old
were abruptly grew
Change the verb form
abruptly grew
show examples
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
women
Use synonyms
 who have the
Replace the word
aged
show examples
age
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 under 19
years
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 old and 20 to 24
years
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 old
were dove
Change the verb form
were dived
were diving
show examples
down in
first
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childbirth
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rate
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since
Change preposition
from
show examples
1966 to 2006. They were 30 per cent in the
age
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range
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 of 19
years
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 old and under and 60
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
in the
range
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 of 20-24
years
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 old, In 2006, they
were dove
Change the verb form
were diving
show examples
 to 10
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
and 30 per cent respectively.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , the older
Australian
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women
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 who have the
age
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range
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 of 25-29
years
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 old, 30-34
years
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 old and 35-40
years
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 old
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
rose in the
first
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childbirth
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rate
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 from 1966 until 2006. Especially, the
Australian
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women
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 in 30-34
years
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 old who were dramatically rocketed from approximately 10
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
in 1966 to almost half of the
Australian
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women
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 who
gave
Verb problem
had
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
first
Use synonyms
childbirth
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
Linking Words
 , It was striking that the
Australian
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women
Use synonyms
 who have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Replace the word
aged
show examples
age
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of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
19
years
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 old and under and 20 to 24
years
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 old
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
declined significantly
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
first
Use synonyms
childbirth
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every twenty
years
Use synonyms
 from 1966 to 2006.
Conversely
Linking Words
 ,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Australian
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women
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 who have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Replace the word
aged
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 between 25 to 39
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
considerably rocketed in the same period, especially, in the
age
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range
Use synonyms
 of 30-34, which was the
age
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range
Use synonyms
that
Change preposition
with
show examples
the
most
Correct word choice
highest
show examples
 growth
rate
Use synonyms
 .
Submitted by tah.siwakorn on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
▼
Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words rate, first, australian, women, years, age, childbirth, range with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "gave" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rocketed" was used 2 times.
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What to do next:
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