The graph and chart below give information on the average daily and minimum temperatures in degrees Celsius (°C) and the average number of days with rainfall each month for two Australian cities.

The graph and chart below give information on the average daily and minimum temperatures in degrees Celsius (°C) and the average number of days with rainfall each month for two Australian cities.
In recent years, there
can be
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
seen
Correct your spelling
been
show examples
a rising trend of having surgery to improve the outer look of individuals.
This
can be
due to
the set
beauty
standards, made by social
media
and numerous commercialization done by
makeup
industries. I believe that
this
can
put
Verb problem
have
show examples
dramatic effects on humans, making them feel uncomfortable, about their natural
beauty
. Social
media
and
beauty
bloggers have set high
beauty
standards that give inferiority complex to
people
.
Moreover
,
beauty
industries have gone crazy for selling their goods and services by putting up enormous advertisements to attract
people
.
Also
, there is a trend that has been set on social
media
to have pointed noses and bold lips that
makeup
surgeries made possible.
For example
, botox was the famous surgery for having bold lips, so girls with small lips go for it.
Consequently
, it became a trend, and
people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
were conscious about their looks
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
got it done.
Furthermore
, there are fewer
people
that praise the natural
beauty
of
one
,
whereas
, more
people
who follow the trends without thinking that it is going to suit them or not.
On the other hand
, our natural
beauty
is the uniqueness
that is
gifted to us by God. I believe that appreciating
one
's simplicity and
beauty
is more essential
rather
Rephrase
apply
show examples
than persuading them to have
makeup
abscission.
Also
, if
one
is having
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
self-confidence in himself
then
no
one
can make them feel uncomfortable about their looks. We should tell ourselves that we are perfect and beautiful, rather than listening to other
makeup
influencers and surgeons.
As they
Correct word choice
They
show examples
are only promoting their business without the concerns that our faces can
also
be destroyed by failed surgeries. In conclusion, the main reason for
this
can be the numerous advertisements that are done by
makeup
industries and the set
beauty
standards on social
media
by
beauty
bloggers and
makeup
artists. I firmly believe that it can have significant impacts on society making individuals feel more insecure and doubtful about their natural
beauty
, which can cause more self-depreciation and stress among youngsters.
Submitted by anhnguhongmai on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
Vocabulary: Replace the words beauty, media, makeup, people, one with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "set" was used 4 times.
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 4 times.
Vocabulary: The word "stand" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • average daily maximum
  • average daily minimum
  • rainfall
  • degrees Celsius (°C)
  • anomalies
  • trends
  • geographic location
  • climate zones
  • seasonal changes
  • data representation
  • comparison
  • temperature range
  • weather patterns
  • statistical analysis
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