IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Most developed countries spend a large proportion of their health budgets on expensive medical technology and procedures. This money should be spent instead on health education to keep people well. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#countries #proportion #health #budgets #technology #procedures #money #education #people
These days, health is an essential issue that should be aware of. Most developed countries spend a large percentage of their fitness expenditure on luxury medical machinery and
process
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processes
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while
other
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others
show examples
 think that funds should be spent
instead
 on well-being education. I personally agree that it is better to develop the automation of medical procedures in order to give life expectancy to patients and to boost the productivity of medical employment Some
people
 believe that money which is spent on medical procedures is better than well-being education.
This
 is because the system of medical can support the process of treatment.
For example
, there is 35.6 per cent of successful surgeries have been recorded in New Zealand which
influence
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influences
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 the increasing productivity of doctors.
As a result
, the procedure is more beneficial than health education because
this
 is only socialized and gives some explanation of how to keep the body healthy.
Furthermore
, advances in technology affect the life expectancy of humans.
This
 is because medical technology makes it easy to treat illness.
For instance
, developing countries
such
 as the United Kingdom are concerned about observing sophisticated automation to find some medicine for HIV/Aids.
As a result
, the establishment of HRV medicine can assist
people
 to live long and to survive running their activity. It is impressive that the invention of medical technology can support
people
 to live better.
To sum up
, I strongly believe that it is better to enhance the quality of medical equipment and procedures in order to give a life expectancy for sick
people
 and to improve the productivity of general practitioners. The government should spend a lot of budget on improving the quality of medical kits and improving the best system of medical
Submitted by addaragelal on

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly introduces the topic and states your position on it.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay into clear paragraphs with topic sentences.
coherence cohesion
Revise the conclusion to summarize your main points and provide a clear closing statement.
grammatical range accuracy
Check for grammatical errors and improve sentence structure.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary to include more diverse and precise words and phrases.
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