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Band 5

Using money for all 65-year old people would be good use for government teaching computer skill. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#money #-year #people #government #computer #skill
A lot of people think that
older
Correct article usage
the older
show examples
 generation
have
Add a missing verb
does have
show examples
 not important role in
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
,
moreover
,
some times
Correct your spelling
sometimes
show examples
 we hear that pensions for
Correct article usage
the elder
show examples
elder
Correct word choice
elderly
show examples
 part of society must not increase. But I strongly believe that when we do not pay attention to any layer of
community
, they would lead to
a considerable issues
Correct the article-noun agreement
considerable issues
a considerable issue
show examples
,
furthermore
, being alone for individuals with disabilities can endanger our mental health. When we consider comfort and convenience for any layer of
community
 ,maybe our thoughts
focuses
Change the verb form
focus
show examples
 on the monetary and direct benefits. But ,sociology and economy as the validated sciences about humanity, tell us that any member of society
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 its value.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 when a disabled person is neglected, their mental damages
distribute
Wrong verb form
are distributed
show examples
itself
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to other members. Another thing as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
really important factor for us(as a crucial factor for vulnerable individuals) is the situation of insurance companies and
pension
Correct article usage
the pension
show examples
 of elder generations. In fact,we know that a large part of
wage
Correct article usage
the wage
show examples
 of their work will
pay
Wrong verb form
be paid
show examples
 after years as a pension, so they should have
Correct article usage
the rights
show examples
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
show examples
 to increase it and want to hold their rights as a serious issue. In conclusion, I must say that
due to
value
Correct article usage
the value
show examples
 of any person
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 humanity, companies and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments cannot decrease of value of elder people. Our history and culture and the experiences of our ancestors showcase that every pressure on human beings (in terms of emotional and monetary)
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
 others and all of us
are interacted
Change to the active voice
interact
have interacted
show examples
 with others. We have a chain of
community
 and members of society, so only paying attention to the profits
that
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 created as the main factor for assessing others,
reverse
Correct subject-verb agreement
reverses
show examples
 the yield of our economy with a vulnerable population. We should know that when older people know about
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
,
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
the
chain
Fix the agreement mistake
chains
show examples
 of the economy can increase its yield.
Submitted by Ramin1991 on

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coherence cohesion
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
task achievement
Make sure to address both the advantages and disadvantages of using money to teach computer skills to 65-year old people.
grammatical range accuracy
Proofread your essay to correct some grammatical mistakes.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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