IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugars which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #level #sugars #health #people #sugar
Nowadays many factories which
apply
Verb problem
produce
show examples
 food and
beverages
Fix the agreement mistake
beverage
show examples
 manufacture include numerous
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of
sugar
 in
the
Change the word
their
show examples
products
. It leads to spreading health problems among the customers. Prices on
this
 category of
products
 should be raised to make a downward
trend
 of popularity
sugar
Change preposition
of sugar
show examples
products
 to society. I completely agree with
this
 statement.
Firstly
, many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people all around the world consume
products
 with a lot of
sugar
, but most of them realise a negative impact when they’ve already gotten diseases. Many of them spend a lot of time and money on treatments which support their previous health
quality
Correct word choice
and quality
show examples
 of life. It’s
also
 important to
be mentioned
Wrong verb form
mention
show examples
 that there are many illnesses which can’t be treated at all and numerous
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people should use supportive therapy during all their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. In
this
 case, increasing
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 price politic will help them to avoid
this problems
Change the determiner
this problem
these problems
show examples
,
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 healthy and invest money in other useful directions.
Secondly
, if the companies will go up the prices of the
products
 which include
sugar
 in significant
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
, the selling
trend
 will decrease. Mostly, consumers highlighted the price of the product
whilen
Correct your spelling
while
when
 they decided to buy it. If the product with a cheaper price
before
Change preposition
apply
show examples
increases, the widest part of the audience will decide to stop buying
this
 item.
Consequently
, it will generally lead to a downward
trend
 of consumption of
sugar
 among the group of people. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
companies should increase the prices of their
products
 with a considerable amount of
sugar
.
This
 action will spread a downward
trend
 in selling product that includes
sugar
, reduce the numerous of disease and consume less
sugar
 in general.
Submitted by fedorusa2016 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: