IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family? Give reasons for your answer and conclude any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#britain #someone #home #people #nurses #government #care
People
 who
worked
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 in a society should have a minimum wage provided by the
government
while
 the
government
 could require the family
such
 as children and grandchildren to make a legal commitment to assist an elder in a situation where the
government
 delayed some payments
for example
. The
government
 should be aware and contribute to a
person
 when they reach an advanced age.
In
Change preposition
At
show examples
 a particular
age
Add a comma
age,
show examples
 some
people
 should have special care owing to the fact that a
person
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 do anything without asking for help, especially older
people
.
A
Correct article usage
Government
show examples
government
 retirement should be mandatory for all working class given that the
life
 cycle of a human is getting old.
Further on
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
,
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
government
 should cheapen
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 elderly
life
 similar to how it works in Brazil. In
Brazil
Add a comma
Brazil,
show examples
 an elderly
person
 has a preferential seat on public transportation
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 example,
discount
Fix the agreement mistake
discounts
show examples
 in drug stores,
preferential
Correct word choice
and preferential
show examples
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
show examples
 in all public and private
services
such
 as banks, stores, and parking. A
government
 should have the understanding that
people
 from their society one day become older
people
 and should be prepared for
this
 movement. Japan has the greatest examples
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 caring for an elderly
person
. The
government
 gives to
people
 aged 65 or older
services
such
 as nursing care for bathing, toileting and eating, meals, housekeeping
services
such
 as laundry and cleaning and health care
services
.
This
 is
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 best example that beyond a
pession
Correct your spelling
passion
 the
government
 can contribute more to elderly
people
.
Thus
, a family does not have the obligation to aid an elder
instead
 of a
government
. Beyond
retirement
Add a comma
retirement,
show examples
 the
government
 should cheapen the
life
 of an elder
such
 as drugs, food,
rent
Correct word choice
and rent
show examples
 since
this
 elder contributed your entire
life
 working and paying taxes for
this
government
.
Submitted by massallys on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide a clearer position and more comprehensive arguments to fully respond to the question.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to have a clear and logical structure throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Develop and support your main points further with specific examples and evidence.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your essay.
grammatical range accuracy
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve accuracy.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Aging population
  • Elderly care
  • Nursing homes
  • Social welfare
  • Intergenerational responsibility
  • Caregiving
  • Financial burden
  • Quality of life
  • Pension funds
  • Healthcare policy
  • Taxation
  • Subsidies
  • Private insurance
  • Long-term care
  • Sustainability
What to do next:
Look at other essays: