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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #results #survey #people #age #groups #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The charts display data from a survey about what makes
people
Use synonyms
 feel happiest. It is split into two graphs where each of the graphs displays two different
age
Use synonyms
 groups,
people
Use synonyms
 above 30 and
people
Use synonyms
 under 30.
Overall
Linking Words
, for both
age
Use synonyms
 groups accomplishment at work makes them feel happiest. Meanwhile, the other
factors
Use synonyms
 both bring
people
Use synonyms
 the least enjoyment. The
last
Linking Words
 3
factors
Use synonyms
 that make up the pie chart are different for both groups.
To begin
Linking Words
 with the under-30
group
Use synonyms
Rephrase
apply
show examples
first,
Linking Words
31% of the participants chose that success in their work-life brings them the most fulfilment.
This
Linking Words
 is
then
Linking Words
 followed by chasing their hobbies and having good looks, which clocks in at 22% and 18% of
people
Use synonyms
 surveyed respectively. The second to
last
Linking Words
 factor is travelling, with 15% of participants opting for
this
Linking Words
 option. The other
factors
Use synonyms
then
Linking Words
 came in
last
Linking Words
 at 14% only. Moving on to the over 30
group
Use synonyms
, where it seems
this
Linking Words
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 values their work more there is a 1% difference in the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
 that chose work achievement, bringing it up to 32%.
Then
Linking Words
 it's indulging in their personal interests.
This
Linking Words
 option experienced a 2% increase in the number of
people
Use synonyms
 that chose it compared to the other
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
, sitting at 24%.
Following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 is financial security at 20%, spending time with their families at 14% and
finally
Linking Words
 other
factors
Use synonyms
 at 10%.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, age, factors, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "graphs" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "display" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • survey
  • age groups
  • responses
  • happiness factors
  • participants
  • contribute
  • compare
  • patterns
  • differences
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