IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that professional athletes serve as positive role models for young people, while others argue that their behavior both on and off the field can have a negative influence.

#people #athletes #role #models #behavior #field #influence
Some individuals
thought
Wrong verb form
think
show examples
 that our young adults can take inspiration from our professional team players and other
people
 consider that their attitude, aggression and
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
ground
Correct article usage
the ground
show examples
 and outside would
create
Verb problem
have
show examples
bad
Add an article
a bad
show examples
 impact on teenagers. In my opinion, taking as a
role
 model to someone who
already
Add a missing verb
is already
show examples
 successful in their
life
 will be our motivation to work hard in
life
 to achieve
which
Correct pronoun usage
what
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 we really want. Different
people
 have different mindsets to approach their
life
. In
case
Correct article usage
the case
show examples
 of professional athletes , when they play for a
nation
, they have aggression, attitude and pressure on their body
languages
Fix the agreement mistake
language
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.
Therefore
, sometimes they do unethical things
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
ground
Add an article
the ground
show examples
 with other players
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
where
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 our young boys
adapt
Correct your spelling
adopt
show examples
 these behaviors and use these with their
fellow-beings
Correct your spelling
fellow beings
show examples
.
Moreover
, off the field, some players
involve
Wrong verb form
are involved
show examples
 in
drugs
Change the noun form
drug
show examples
 scandals which
also
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a bad influence towards our adults.
However
, the benefits of having
role
Add an article
a role
show examples
 model in our
life
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 tremendous. We can watch their interviews and know their struggles, hardships which they faced in their early lives and how they can tackle
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them and find achievements through their struggling period. That’s why, It is an opportunity for us to learn from their mistakes and get motivation to achieve our dreams which we want to pursue.
For instance
 , our cricketer Babar Azam
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
has been a
role
 model for many
people
 in the world. So, when they perform in a stadium in front of
thousands
Add the preposition
thousands of
show examples
people
, we feel proud as a
nation
 and every individual of the
nation
take
Correct subject-verb agreement
takes
show examples
 inspiration from them and will want to do something like that when
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
show examples
nation
feel
Correct subject-verb agreement
feels
show examples
 proud
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 us .
To conclude
, renowned
role
 models help us when we are chasing our dreams. We can use their guidance and experiences to
saves
Wrong verb form
save
show examples
 a lot of time and avoid us to make wrong decisions. That’s why, we need to
must
Verb problem
apply
show examples
have remarkable
people
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our list who do a lot for the country and participate in the
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
 progress.
Submitted by ahmadarch007 on

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task
Provide a clearer thesis statement at the beginning of the essay.
task
Expand on the supporting arguments with more specific examples and evidence.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a coherent and logical flow of ideas throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed explanations.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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