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Band 4.5

Some people say that governments should focus on reducing environ mental pollution and housing problems to help people prevent illness and disease. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #governments #focus #environ #pollution #illness #disease
Nowadays, environmental
pollution
 and housing
problems
 are becoming troubles.
As a result
, there are many illnesses and
diseases
 in modern society. I completely agree with the view,
although
 environmental and mental
pollution
 and housing
problems
 are some of the reasons. For one thing, environmental and mental
pollution
 can be thanks to many illnesses and
diseases
.
Firstly
, if
people
 drink water
that is
 environmentally polluted for a long
time
, our bodies will have some
problems
.
Secondly
, vegetables are corrupted, and
people
 eat them to get various
diseases
.
On the other hand
, housing can make
people
 feel safe and happy. For one thing, now the house price is increasing more than their salary, so
people
 cannot pay their credit, they cannot focus on their work, at the same
time
, if
people
 have
this
 situation for a long
time
, they will become severe, and get some illness.
Nevertheless
, I must admit that there are many reasons for producing illness and disease.
For instance
, if
people
 drink water and vegetables because of environmental
pollution
 for a long
time
, our bodies will get some
problems
. In conclusion, it seems to me that it is essential for
people
 that governments should solve the environmental, mental
pollution
 and housing
problems
, so that
people
 can get more health and reduce many illnesses and
diseases
, even so, I do not know that there are many other reasons.
Submitted by erichardxin on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure of the essay, ensure the introduction and conclusion ties with the topic, and provide more supported main points.
task achievement
The essay partially responds to the task, but the ideas lack clarity and depth. More relevant and specific examples could be provided to support the arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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