IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that hobbies need to be difficult to be enjoyable. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #hobbies
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many
people
Use synonyms
 argue that challenging
hobbies
Use synonyms
 may bring a higher sense of pleasure.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss why I think
hobbies
Use synonyms
 are not necessarily to be tricky
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since everyone has their own enjoyment from those activities. On the one hand, it is true that the more difficult the
hobbies
Use synonyms
 are, the more enjoyable they
bring
Verb problem
are
show examples
. Young
people
Use synonyms
,
for example
Linking Words
, have an extreme desire for thrill and adventure so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 activities
such
Linking Words
 as
:
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 mountain climbing, sky-diving or bungee jumping. These activities which have
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
 risk of injury demand
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a level of expertise and
also
Linking Words
 a huge amount of time spent to become competent at
this
Linking Words
 activity.
Consequently
Linking Words
, these
people
Use synonyms
 seem to have a greater sense of satisfaction.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the more achievable
hobbies
Use synonyms
 will get
people
Use synonyms
 to replenish their
battery
Fix the agreement mistake
batteries
show examples
 and bolster their personal performance. It is true that
people
Use synonyms
 who
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 not experienced a level of happiness after doing their
hobbies
Use synonyms
,in the long term, might be entirely discouraged and
this
Linking Words
 could result in a deterrent from pursuing.
Besides
Linking Words
,
hobbies
Use synonyms
 as a means of entertainment must be achieved easily in order to constantly create a temporary state of happiness and relaxation.
Sequently
Correct your spelling
Consequently
, it leads to
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
higher performance and productivity .Meanwhile, even an easy hobby will bring about benefits to the person doing it. In conclusion, I slightly agree with the opinion that
hobbies
Use synonyms
 should be challenging so that
people
Use synonyms
 can achieve their personal fulfilment given that both the easy and the difficult can satisfy
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by ieltsamiedu on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Develop your arguments and provide more detailed examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical structure throughout the essay, with a well-organized introduction and conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • unique challenge
  • personal growth
  • mastery
  • accomplishment
  • demanding
  • thrill of achievement
  • pastimes
  • fostering
  • sense of community
  • mindfulness
  • stress relief
  • mental break
  • daily stressors
What to do next:
Look at other essays: