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Band 5

There are an increasing number of serious crimes committed each year. While some people say that the best way would be to use death penalty as a deterrant, many people say that other measures will be needed.Discuss both views.

#crimes #year #people #death #penalty #measures
It is argued that we should punish
the
Correct article usage
apply
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criminals or thieves,
furthermore
Add a comma
furthermore,
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 we have a lot of individuals that are under the influence of prison and governmental punishments.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 many people believe that fear of
law
Correct article usage
the law
show examples
 can limit crime,
in
addition
Add the comma(s)
addition,
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 some parties try to pass laws for extreme punishments( like the death penalty).There are a lot of factors leading to bad behaviours and habits, but the judgment system can be sometimes motivating for crimes
not
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, not
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deterrent
Correct article usage
a deterrent
show examples
. The thing
that is
 important here, is the difference between the power of punishment and education. We can see in spite of many judgements and laws, our society goes toward criminal activities.
For example
, we know that in Iran the death penalty is at the top of the world, but there
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 not any decrease in these bad habits in the
last
 4 decades.
On the contrary
, we can clearly see that fear of law cannot deter the population from vulgar habits. To illustrate, when we think about the educational system, we would
found
Wrong verb form
find
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 the critical and crucial elements of an ideal country in a good education, from elementary schools to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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universities.
For instance
, the Swedish community is one of the best examples of a
well
Change the adverb
good
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 system that can
learn
Verb problem
teach
show examples
 children and adults to be
health
Replace the word
healthy
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 citizens,
beside
Replace the word
besides
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 much freedom
that is
 normal in their country. In conclusion, we have two
type
Change to a plural noun
types
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 of systems
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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one of them is based on fear, and the other one is related to mindfulness and learning. In any political
discussion
Add a comma
discussion,
show examples
 there are both of these thoughts,
although
 nowadays the communities tend to be educated and not punished.
Submitted by Ramin1991 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

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    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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