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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Wealth does not necessarily guarantee happiness. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#wealth #guarantee #happiness
I believe that wealth does not guarantee happiness. It's common to think if you have a lot of cash in your bank account, the happier you will be.
In
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At
show examples
 some point yes, but it won'
t
 be enough. Clearly,
money
 is
really
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a really
show examples
imortant
Correct your spelling
important
 aspect of our life. With
them
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them,
show examples
 you can buy a lot of stuff.
For example
, people who didn'
t
 grow up in families with enough
founds
Correct your spelling
funds
show examples
, often feel
uncomfort
Correct your spelling
uncomfortable
 compared to others. Everyone can agree on that. Kids in school may be very violent to poor
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
. They walk around wolves eager to
attact
Correct your spelling
attract
attack
 the sheap. And it`s all because the kid is different. If your wardrobe
doesn'
Verb problem
isn't
show examples
t
 stylish, if your dress doen'
t
 new
and
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apply
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etc., it may become the reason
of
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for
show examples
bulling
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bullying
show examples
. It's not
childrens
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children's
children
 falls. They just repeat
patterns
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the patterns
show examples
 of their parents. That's why we need to teach kids
bein
Verb problem
to be
show examples
 kinder to someone who
different
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is different
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 or
don'
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doesn't
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t
 have enough
money
. On
other
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the other
show examples
 side, we have examples of the
most
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apply
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richest
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 who
wasn'
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weren't
show examples
t
 happy. Most of them suffered from loneliness.
For example
, Marlyn Monroe. One of the most
influencal
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influential
woman
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women
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 in the world. She was an
actrees
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actress
,
knowed
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known
show examples
by
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for
show examples
 her flawless
perfomance
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performance
 in different movies from
Hollywood
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the Hollywood
show examples
 Golden Age. Everybody knows her. Even now when we think about
Hollywoods
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Hollywood
show examples
 stars who
comes
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come
show examples
 to
your
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our
show examples
 mind
.
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?
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 There was nobody like her. She had all eyes on her. Men were crazy about her. So why she
decided
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decide
show examples
 to end her life
,
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apply
show examples
 if she had so
perfect
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a perfect
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 life
.
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?
show examples
 The
answear
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answer
 is easy.
This
 woman wasn'
t
 happy. She suffered from some mental illness, like depression. In spite of the
Correct your spelling
therapy
thereapy
Add a comma
thereapy,
show examples
 she still felt bad. Another important fact about her - the
actrees
Correct your spelling
actress
 wanted to be a mother. Marlyn had
acces
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access
 to the best doctors in
whole
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the whole
show examples
America
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of America
show examples
 and it didn'
t
helped
Change the verb form
help
show examples
 her. Some things you can'
t
 buy for
money
. In conclusion, what
the
Add a missing verb
is the
show examples
 point of having all
money
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the money
show examples
 if you
alone
Add a missing verb
are alone
show examples
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
top
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
Submitted by helgavitalivna on

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task response
Your essay addresses the topic and presents a clear viewpoint, which is great. However, try to develop your ideas more fully and elaborate on your examples to strengthen your argument. For instance, stating specific ways in which wealth fails to provide happiness can make your points more convincing.
coherence cohesion
You have a logical structure in your essay, but some paragraphs can be slightly disjointed. Ensure each paragraph flows smoothly to the next. Transition words and phrases can aid in creating a better flow. For example, 'On the other hand,' instead of 'On other side,' or 'As such,' instead of 'It's not childrens falls.'
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and relevant. However, the conclusion needs more depth; try to summarize your main points more clearly. You might want to end with a profound statement or rhetorical question to leave a lasting impression.
task response
Your examples are relevant and provide good support for your points. But make sure to address and correct any factual or grammatical inaccuracies. For instance, 'Marlyn Monroe' should be 'Marilyn Monroe,' and 'therapy' instead of 'theraphy.' Likewise, improve the readability by checking for typos and using appropriate tenses.
task response
Your essay provides a strong take on the statement and uses specific examples to back up your argument, which is commendable.
coherence cohesion
You introduce your essay topic clearly and provide a conclusion, which helps in framing your argument well.
coherence cohesion
You address complex sentence structures and provide a variety of sentences, making your essay engaging and informative.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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