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As a result of electronic inventions such the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#inventions #computer #television #people #activity #effect #health
At
this
 moment in
timi
Correct your spelling
time
,
as a result
 of electronic devices
such
 as the computer and TV,
people
 do less physical
activity
 and
this
 is damaging their
health
. I agree with the given statement which says that someone who does not engage in physical
activity
. As far as work is concerned, office
personnels
Correct your spelling
personnel
 have always worked sitting down and
computers
 have not changed that.
Computers
 have not affected physical
activity
 like farming and
people
 still do physical
activity
 in common with
they
Correct pronoun usage
what they
show examples
 did in the past
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because other machines not
computers
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not reducing
amount
Add an article
the amount
show examples
 of physical
activity
 of
people
.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 the manner
people
 spend their leisure time has changed greatly. Because
people
 do less physical
activity
, they
wasting
Wrong verb form
waste
show examples
 their spare time
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching television and playing
their
Change preposition
on their
show examples
computers
. Ad
this
 brings more
people
 overweight.
Than
Correct your spelling
Then
show examples
 they damage their
health
 when elderly.
However
, because
people
 eat more dishes, than in the past,
people
 have
also
 put on weight and
lose
Wrong verb form
lost
show examples
 their
health
, so we ought
hold
Wrong verb form
held
show examples
 responsible
modern
Change preposition
for modern
show examples
 inventions for everything.
Further
 new electronic inventions
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 easy
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
people
.
To sum up
, I believe new and modern devices
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 easy our life.
People
 still do physical
activity
.
People
 live more healthily now. In my opinion, it is difficult to
be
Verb problem
beat
show examples
 each other's throats that new inventions have had damaging
impact
Fix the agreement mistake
impacts
show examples
 on our
health
. What is
more
Add a comma
more,
show examples
 we need to make sure that we still take
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
charge of
Correct article usage
the amountof
show examples
amountof
Correct your spelling
amount of
 physical
activity
. (251words)
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Task Response
Ensure that your arguments are well-developed and directly relate to the prompt. Provide specific examples and reasons to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organize your ideas in a logical sequence with clear topic sentences and supporting details. Use cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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