Some children spend hours every day on their Smartphone. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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In contemporary society,
progressing
Replace the word
progress

The word progressing doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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in technology and
accessing
Replace the word
access

The word accessing doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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to the internet have facilitated
utilizing
Replace the word
the utilisation of

The word utilizing doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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novel devices
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as Smartphones or laptops
to
Change preposition
for

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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all age groups. Among these, excessive use of
phones
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

by
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

has become a substantial problem in the world
that
Correct word choice
apply

It seems that conjunction use may be incorrect here.

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in
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

essay I will delve into the causes of
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

issue and explain its adverse effects. To commence with, I believe that parents and educational systems are to blame the most for the excessive use of cell
phones
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

by
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.
In other words
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, providing
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

devices from childhood by lenient parents in order to entertain their
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

and extracurricular applications that are designed for
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

have exaggerated their use of
these stuff
Change the determiner
this stuff

It appears that the plural demonstrative these is modifying the singular noun stuff. Consider using a singular demonstrative or a plural noun instead.

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. To illustrate
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, nowadays using
phones
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

in schools has become
epidemic
Correct article usage
an epidemic

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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, which was even illegal a few years ago at schools.
As a result
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, exaggerating
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

phenomenon and hazardous consequences in the near future would not be unpredictable.
Although
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

using cell
phones
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

broaden
Correct subject-verb agreement
broadens

It seems that the verb broaden does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

’s horizons and acquainting them with the latest innovations all over the world, it would not compensate
the
Change preposition
for the

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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hazardous effects. By continuing
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

process,
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

will deliberately or by accident get accustomed to
waste
Wrong verb form
wasting

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb waste. Consider changing it.

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their valuable time and energy.
For instance
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, these days a large number of
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

spent
Wrong verb form
spend

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb spent. Consider changing it.

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hours
in
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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playing apparently attractive games,
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as
Correct word choice
and as

It seems that conjunction use may be incorrect here.

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a
result
Add the comma(s)
result,

It appears that you are missing a comma or two with the interrupter as a result. Consider adding the comma(s).

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various physical and mental illnesses
would be
Verb problem
are

There may be a verb use issue here.

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inevitable
for
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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them
Correct pronoun usage
apply

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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. In conclusion, I believe that convenient access to
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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technology and the internet have accelerated
using
Wrong verb form
the use of

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb using. Consider changing it.

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cell
phones
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially

It appears that you are missing a comma or two with the interrupter especially by younger generation, which will cause irreparable damages in their future life. Consider adding the comma(s).

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by
younger
Add an article
the younger
a younger

The noun phrase younger generation seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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generation, which will cause irreparable
damages
Fix the agreement mistake
damage

It seems that damages may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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in their future life. To prevent the upcoming troubles, parents and governments could play a crucial role in addressing these issues.

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task response
Ensure that the essay directly addresses all parts of the prompt, including the causes of excessive cellphone use by children and its positive or negative development. Discuss the causes more explicitly and offer a balanced view on the positive and negative effects.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally clear with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, work on creating smoother transitions between ideas and ensure that the supporting points are well-developed and connected to the thesis.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary to add more variety and depth to your essay. Use more sophisticated words and phrases to express ideas and arguments.
grammatical range
While your essay demonstrates a good command of grammar, try to incorporate a wider range of sentence structures and complex grammatical constructions. This will add sophistication and variety to your writing.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Engrossed
  • Distracted
  • Addictive
  • Digital natives
  • Virtual reality
  • Interactive
  • Online gaming
  • Social media platforms
  • Connectivity
  • Social engagement
  • Information access
  • Learning tools
  • Peer influence
  • Societal pressure
  • Alternative activities
  • Recreational facilities
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