IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their Smartphone. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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In contemporary society,
progressing
Replace the word
progress
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 in technology and
accessing
Replace the word
access
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 to the internet have facilitated
utilizing
Replace the word
the utilisation of
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 novel devices
such
Linking Words
 as Smartphones or laptops
to
Change preposition
for
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 all age groups. Among these, excessive use of
phones
Use synonyms
 by
children
Use synonyms
 has become a substantial problem in the world
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
in
this
Linking Words
 essay I will delve into the causes of
this
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 issue and explain its adverse effects. To commence with, I believe that parents and educational systems are to blame the most for the excessive use of cell
phones
Use synonyms
 by
children
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, providing
such
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 devices from childhood by lenient parents in order to entertain their
children
Use synonyms
 and extracurricular applications that are designed for
children
Use synonyms
 have exaggerated their use of
these stuff
Change the determiner
this stuff
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. To illustrate
this
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, nowadays using
phones
Use synonyms
 in schools has become
epidemic
Correct article usage
an epidemic
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, which was even illegal a few years ago at schools.
As a result
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, exaggerating
this
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 phenomenon and hazardous consequences in the near future would not be unpredictable.
Although
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 using cell
phones
Use synonyms
broaden
Correct subject-verb agreement
broadens
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children
Use synonyms
’s horizons and acquainting them with the latest innovations all over the world, it would not compensate
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 hazardous effects. By continuing
this
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 process,
children
Use synonyms
 will deliberately or by accident get accustomed to
waste
Wrong verb form
wasting
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 their valuable time and energy.
For instance
Linking Words
, these days a large number of
children
Use synonyms
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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 hours
in
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apply
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playing apparently attractive games,
Linking Words
as
Correct word choice
and as
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 a
result
Add the comma(s)
result,
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 various physical and mental illnesses
would be
Verb problem
are
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 inevitable
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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. In conclusion, I believe that convenient access to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology and the internet have accelerated
using
Wrong verb form
the use of
show examples
 cell
phones
Use synonyms
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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 by
younger
Add an article
the younger
a younger
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 generation, which will cause irreparable
damages
Fix the agreement mistake
damage
show examples
 in their future life. To prevent the upcoming troubles, parents and governments could play a crucial role in addressing these issues.

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Improvement Suggestions

4
task response

Ensure that the essay directly addresses all parts of the prompt, including the causes of excessive cellphone use by children and its positive or negative development. Discuss the causes more explicitly and offer a balanced view on the positive and negative effects.

coherence and cohesion

The logical structure of the essay is generally clear with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, work on creating smoother transitions between ideas and ensure that the supporting points are well-developed and connected to the thesis.

lexical resource

Expand your range of vocabulary to add more variety and depth to your essay. Use more sophisticated words and phrases to express ideas and arguments.

grammatical range

While your essay demonstrates a good command of grammar, try to incorporate a wider range of sentence structures and complex grammatical constructions. This will add sophistication and variety to your writing.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Engrossed
  • Distracted
  • Addictive
  • Digital natives
  • Virtual reality
  • Interactive
  • Online gaming
  • Social media platforms
  • Connectivity
  • Social engagement
  • Information access
  • Learning tools
  • Peer influence
  • Societal pressure
  • Alternative activities
  • Recreational facilities
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