IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In many countries, childhood obesity is a growing problem. What are the reasons for this and what can individuals and governments do to tackle the problem?

#countries #childhood #obesity #individuals #governments
Childhood obesity remains one of the biggest problems to tackle in the modern world.
This
 essay will discuss the possible reasons for the matter
as well as
 propose solutions and actions that can be taken by individuals
as well as
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 to tackle the issue.
Besides
 the genetic and hormonal factors, a lot of obesity is caused by the passive
lifestyle
 that young people have. Since the amount of calories eaten
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not burned through
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical activity, a lot of
children
 become obese. Having a passive
lifestyle
 with little or no activity makes the situation even worse. Another factor supporting the issue is the quality of school food offered. In many countries, it is mostly deep-fried and does not contain a big variety of nutrients. These two factors are the main ones causing the problem. There are multiple actions that can be taken to have more healthy
children
. First of all,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should help schools to serve high-quality meals on a daily basis to teach kids how to eat more healthily.
Moreover
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
awareness should be increased by organizing,
for instance
, seminars for parents with obese
children
 to motivate them to cook nutritious meals at home and limit their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 eating
fast-food
Correct your spelling
fast food
show examples
. The main goal is to change the passive
lifestyle
 into an active one. The government, could, perhaps, develop the infrastructure of the cities by building roads for bicycles and playgrounds or
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 fields for people.
This
 would encourage
children
 to
spent
Change the form of the verb
spend
show examples
 more time outside and create the opportunity to ride a bicycle to school.
To conclude
, there are two main things causing the obesity among
children
. Those are the passive
lifestyle
 and the diet eaten at
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
. To tackle the big problem, several measures should be taken into action. School meals should be made healthier and the infrastructure of the cities should encourage
children
 to move more often.
Submitted by katja.otavina on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that all parts of the question are fully addressed in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Organize the essay in a clear and coherent manner. Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary to include a wider range of words and phrases.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and accuracy to avoid grammatical errors.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: