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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people believe that women make better parents than men and that is why they have the greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some people say that
women
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 have the biggest role when it comes to
raise
Change the verb form
raising
show examples
children
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 in communities,
while
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 other people argue that
men
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Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
are also
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 as great as
women
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 in raising
children
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and give the author’s opinion on the statement.
To begin
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 with, when
women
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 are carrying
baby
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a baby
the baby
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 in their belly for nine months, they start to build a connection with the baby. After giving
a
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apply
show examples
birth, the connection and bounding between them are stronger.
This
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 is
way
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the way
show examples
women
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 have
an
Change the article
the
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 ability to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
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good
parent
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parents
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.
Moreover
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,
women
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 teach their
children
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 with heart,
this
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 will
make
Verb problem
give
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 their
children
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 have
abilities
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ability
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 to be more aware
with
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of
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 their surroundings.
In addition
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,
a
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apply
show examples
research said that
woman
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woman's
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 brain is more complex than
men
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,
thus
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 they can do a lot of things
in
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at
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same
Add an article
the same
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 time.
For instance
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, they can do household
works
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work
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while
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take
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taking
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 care
their
Change preposition
of their
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 baby. Based on the explanation above,
women
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take
Verb problem
play
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 a crucial part as a parent. They can raise their
children
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 with heart, and it will have
good
Correct article usage
a good
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impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
show examples
in
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on
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children
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's future.
On the other hand
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,
men
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also
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 have a vital role in parenting.
Men
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 can teach
children
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 how to be strong and independent.
Men
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's parenting is more
logic
Replace the word
logical
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 than
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women
Change noun form
women's
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. They teach
children
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 how to use their
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
 in
logical
Change the article
a logical
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 way.
This
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Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 an important part
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 development. In conclusion, in my opinion,
women
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 and
men
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 have
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 same role when it comes to
raise
Change the verb form
raising
show examples
children
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. Because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
women
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 teach with
heart
Fix the agreement mistake
hearts
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 and
men
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 teach with
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
. It will balance the
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children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 life and make them to be great
children
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.
However
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,
women
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 and
men
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 need to support each other in raising
children
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,
this
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 will make
children
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 have a brighter future.

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task response
Make sure to fully address all aspects of the task prompt in your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
lexical resource
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and vary your word choice.
grammatical range
Pay attention to your sentence structure and try to use more complex grammatical structures.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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