IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people believe that women make better parents than men and that is why they have the greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #women #parents #men #role #children #societies
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some people say that
women
 have the biggest role when it comes to
raise
Change the verb form
raising
show examples
children
 in communities,
while
 other people argue that
men
also
Add a missing verb
are also
show examples
 as great as
women
 in raising
children
.
This
 essay will discuss both views and give the author’s opinion on the statement.
To begin
 with, when
women
 are carrying
baby
Add an article
a baby
the baby
show examples
 in their belly for nine months, they start to build a connection with the baby. After giving
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
birth, the connection and bounding between them are stronger.
This
 is
way
Add an article
the way
show examples
women
 have
an
Change the article
the
show examples
 ability to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
.
Moreover
,
women
 teach their
children
 with heart,
this
 will
make
Verb problem
give
show examples
 their
children
 have
abilities
Fix the agreement mistake
ability
show examples
 to be more aware
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their surroundings.
In addition
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research said that
woman
Change noun form
woman's
show examples
 brain is more complex than
men
,
thus
 they can do a lot of things
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
same
Add an article
the same
show examples
 time.
For instance
, they can do household
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
while
take
Change the verb form
taking
show examples
 care
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 baby. Based on the explanation above,
women
take
Verb problem
play
show examples
 a crucial part as a parent. They can raise their
children
 with heart, and it will have
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
's future.
On the other hand
,
men
also
 have a vital role in parenting.
Men
 can teach
children
 how to be strong and independent.
Men
's parenting is more
logic
Replace the word
logical
show examples
 than
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
. They teach
children
 how to use their
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
 in
logical
Change the article
a logical
show examples
 way.
This
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 an important part
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 development. In conclusion, in my opinion,
women
 and
men
 have
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 same role when it comes to
raise
Change the verb form
raising
show examples
children
. Because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
women
 teach with
heart
Fix the agreement mistake
hearts
show examples
 and
men
 teach with
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
. It will balance the
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 life and make them to be great
children
.
However
,
women
 and
men
 need to support each other in raising
children
,
this
 will make
children
 have a brighter future.
Submitted by jxnxy01 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make sure to fully address all aspects of the task prompt in your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
lexical resource
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and vary your word choice.
grammatical range
Pay attention to your sentence structure and try to use more complex grammatical structures.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: