Many people believe that women make better parents than men and that is why they have the greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some people say that
women
have the biggest role when it comes to raising
children
in communities,
while
other people argue that
men
are
also
as great as
women
in raising
children
.
This
essay will discuss both views and give the author’s opinion on the statement.
To begin
with, when
women
are carrying a baby in their belly for nine months, they start to build a connection with the baby. After giving
a
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apply
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birth, the connection and bounding between them are stronger.
This
is the way
women
have the ability to be good parents.
Moreover
,
women
teach their
children
with heart,
this
will give their
children
have ability to be more aware of their surroundings.
In addition
, research said that woman's brain is more complex than
men
Change noun form
men's
show examples
,
thus
they can do a lot of things at the same time.
For instance
, they can do household work
while
taking care of their baby. Based on the explanation above,
women
play a crucial part as a parent. They can raise their
children
with heart, and it will have a good impact on
children
's future.
On the other hand
,
men
also
have a vital role in parenting.
Men
can teach
children
how to be strong and independent.
Men
's parenting is more logical than
women
's. They teach
children
how to use their brains in a logical way.
This
is
also
an important part of
children
's development. In conclusion, in my opinion,
women
and
men
have the same role when it comes to raising
children
. Because
women
teach with hearts and
men
teach with brains. It will balance the
children
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
and make them
to be
Verb problem
apply
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great
children
.
However
,
women
and
men
need to support each other in raising
children
,
this
will make
children
have a brighter future.
Submitted by jxnxy01 on

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task achievement
It is important to fully address all aspects of the task prompt. In this essay, while you discuss both views on women and men in parenting, you fail to clearly present your own opinion on the matter. Remember to state your standpoint and provide a clear rationale for it.
coherence cohesion
The overall organization of the essay is appropriate with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in the logical structure of the body paragraphs. Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a cohesive flow of ideas.
lexical resource
Your use of vocabulary is generally good, with some effective expressions such as 'bounding between them' and 'teach with hearts and brains.' However, try to vary your vocabulary and use more sophisticated words and phrases to enhance your lexical resource.
grammatical range
Your essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with only minor errors. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and tense consistency throughout your writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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