IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that culture traditions maybe destroyed when they are used as money- making attractions aimed at tourists. Others believe it is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss on both sides and give your opinion

#people #culture #traditions #money- #attractions #tourists
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In modern times, the issue of cultural
traditions
 has become highly controversial.There are those who say that
Culture
Replace the word
Cultural
show examples
traditions
 may be destroyed when they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists.
However
, others believe that it is the only way to save these
traditions
. In
this
 essay,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will examine both sides of the argument and provide my
overall
 opinion. Generally speaking, there are two main reasons why
people
 believe that
tourism
 boosts our economy and we get a chance to spread our culture to different countries. Perhaps the main reason why
people
 are in favour of
this
 idea is because if our artists do not earn money from the art, which depicts our culture and
traditions
. A good illustration of
this
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
 art will die off and we will only be losers. A
further
 point in favour of many
people
depend
Correct pronoun usage
who depend
show examples
 on
tourism
 for their livelihood is that
people
 in the food
industry
 , hotel
industry
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
transport
industry
 and transport
industry
 depend on
tourism
. Despite these arguments. There is
also
 a case for the idea that
when
Rephrase
apply
show examples
cultural
traditions
 are used as money-making attractions. the main reason why
people
 think that
this
 is a good idea is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
they lose their original features. Sometimes it makes cultural
traditions
 disappear altogether.
As a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 cultural
traditions
 are often destroyed
due to
tourism
. In conclusion, It must be said that cultural
traditions
 have become a complex issue with no essay solutions. despite arguments to the contrary,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 feel that we need to make some changes to cultural
traditions
. If we do not do we will lose our cultural
traditions
 together
Submitted by iamsazzad100 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Make sure to include these sections in your essay to provide a clear structure and overview of your argument.
task achievement
While you have provided some arguments and examples, they could be further developed to strengthen your points and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
grammatical range
There are some grammar and structural issues in your essay. Make sure to pay attention to sentence structure, verb tenses, and subject-verb agreement for a more coherent and accurate essay.
lexical resource
Your use of vocabulary is limited and repetitive. Try to expand your range of vocabulary to express your ideas more effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: