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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows the participayion of people over 15 in selected sports and phusical recreation activities by gender in Australia during the period 2011-12.

The table below shows the participayion of people over 15 in selected sports and phusical recreation activities by gender in Australia during the period 2011-12.
#participayion #people #sports #recreation #activities #gender #australia #period
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The bar graph displays the percentage of
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
 who are above 15 years of
age
Use synonyms
 in Australia who
engages
Correct subject-verb agreement
engage
show examples
 in some
sports
Use synonyms
 and physical activities.
Overall
Linking Words
,It is evident from the chart that
females
Use synonyms
 in all
age
Use synonyms
 groups except
age
Use synonyms
 15 to 24, participated in
sports
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,Ladies aged 45 to 54 participated more in physical activity as they hit the top of the chart at 53.3% with about
10
Correct article usage
a 10
show examples
% difference to that of the
males
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,Among individuals between (35 to 44),there seems to be a huge gap in the proportion of
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
 who participated in
sports
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
Linking Words
Although
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
there seems to be about
5
Correct article usage
a 5
show examples
% difference in the number of men and women who carried out some physical activities
among
Change preposition
between
show examples
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
25
Change preposition
of 25
show examples
 to 34,with the value of the women higher than that of men.
In Contrast
Linking Words
,the young male adults(15-24)
seems
Correct subject-verb agreement
seem
show examples
 to be much more interested in
sports
Use synonyms
 when compared to the
females
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 group 55 to 64
also
Linking Words
 recorded
females
Use synonyms
 with the higher figures of participants,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 the older people's proportion almost evened out at 46.7% in
males
Use synonyms
 and 47.1% in
females
Use synonyms
.
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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words males, females, age, sports with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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