IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary prodducts should be made more expensive to encourage prople to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #prodducts #prople
In recent years,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
increasing
health
 awareness has led to a discussion of whether
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should impose on increasing
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 tax on sugary
products
 for a healthier society.
While
 some believe that it depends on the choices of individuals, I personally contend that the
government
 should
primary
Change the adjective
primarily
show examples
 focus on educating and promoting
information
 regarding healthy food. In lieu of strict prohibitions without adequate explanation,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should
enpower
Correct your spelling
empower
 the public to make informed decisions. It is true that eating
high
Add a hyphen
high-sugar
show examples
sugar
products
 could potentially result in detrimental consequences
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 our
health
.
High-
Correct your spelling
High sugar
show examples
sugar
 consumption is undoubtedly one of the primary causes of obesity, which may
led
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to high cholesterol and increase the risk of suffering from cardiovascular diseases. Some people suggest
government
to
Remove the particle
apply
show examples
take action on
this
 issue by increasing taxes on high-
sugar
products
 or
restrict
Wrong verb form
restricting
show examples
sugar
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 in
baverages
Correct your spelling
beverages
 and pastries.
However
, the results of
this
 action
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 expected to be limited.
While
 it seems like a direct method to reduce
sugar
 consumption level, it may burden small businesses, as the
flavor
Change the spelling
flavour
show examples
 of food might alter, making them less appealing
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 consumers.
On the other hand
, I am inclined with the proponents who think
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 should decide their own dietary choices. I believe that the primary responsibility of the
government
 is to educate people by providing accurate
information
 about healthy food.
Firstly
, they can demonstrate the adverse effect of high-
sugar
products
 on people’s
health
 by presenting research data or
recommanding
Correct your spelling
recommending
 daily consumption limits.
Additionally
, they can enhance transparency by
labeling
Change the spelling
labelling
show examples
products
 with clear
sugar
 content
information
 and detailed
discriptions
Correct your spelling
descriptions
, and
utimately
Correct your spelling
ultimately
, leave the decision to
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
. In conclusion,
while
 restrictions imposed by governments
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 undeniably a possible direct solution, I believe that their main aim should shift toward educating the public with accurate
information
 to enhance public
health
.
Submitted by jessieiniar1202 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical structure throughout your essay.
lexical resource
Add more varied vocabulary and use synonyms to avoid repetition.
grammatical range
Check verb agreement and sentence structure to improve grammatical accuracy.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: