IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Public museums and art galleries are not needed because people could see historical objects and works by using computers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#museums #art #galleries #people #objects #works #computers
With the fast-developing of the internet, it is easily accessible for the public to have a museum or gallery tour by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
means of going to an online website.
As
Change preposition
For
show examples
for
this
 reason, there is an argument about whether museums and galleries are needed
among
Change preposition
by
show examples
people
. In my opinion, the internet visits will not replace the physical ones. It is more meaningful not only for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
ordinary
people
 but
also
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
artists to pay a visit to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public museums or
art
 galleries in person. Because
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
there you can spend as much time as you can
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
observing the details of the acts which could be a piece of
jewelry
Change the spelling
jewellery
show examples
 or a vase from
Tang
Correct article usage
the Tang
show examples
 dynasty.
In contrast
, there are some drawbacks
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 using
computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
show examples
. One is that it might not make it possible to see the shining of the precious stones or the bright
color
Change the spelling
colour
show examples
 of the vases, which makes the visit meaningless in some way by glancing
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 valuable artworks.
Furthermore
, visiting a museum or a gallery is a nice way to get rid of the monotony of the daily
lives
Fix the agreement mistake
life
show examples
. Because there is
constant
Change the word
constantly
show examples
 a harmonious atmosphere in
this
 kind of place, which can effectively help to reduce visitors’ stress.
For example
, spending a weekend day with family or friends appreciating pieces of
art
 can lessen the boredom of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
city life, which might enlighten the
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 of
people
.
Moreover
, these places of
art
 can
also
 boost the economy of the local area. Since nowadays
counting
Wrong verb form
count
show examples
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
convenient public transportation,
people
 are never tired of
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 far
distance
Fix the agreement mistake
distances
show examples
 to take a snap,
then
Correct word choice
and then
show examples
 post them to their social media, which means that tourists will consume at the local restaurants and hotels. And the increase in tourism revenue can lead
an
Change preposition
to an
show examples
 improvement
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 local
people
’s living
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
as well as
 the infrastructure,
such
 as the roads. In conclusion, within the foreseeable future, I would like to say that museums or
art
 galleries are required to exist and they cannot be replaced by digital tours.
Submitted by 949918007 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make sure to fully address the question prompt. In this essay, you have discussed the importance of physical museum and gallery visits over virtual tours.
coherence and cohesion
Overall, your essay is well-organized and coherent. However, try to provide more explicit transitions between paragraphs to improve the overall cohesion.
lexical resource
Your use of vocabulary is generally accurate and varied. To further enhance your lexical resource, consider incorporating more sophisticated terminology related to art and culture.
grammatical range
Your grammatical range is commendable with minimal errors. However, be cautious of subject-verb agreement and sentence structure consistency.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: