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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that parents have the most significant influence in a child's development. However, other say that things like television or friends have the must important influence on them. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

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Home is the first setting wherein
children
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 learn. It is a fascinating
development
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 as
parents
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 are the primary source of learning, which is
strenghtened
Correct your spelling
strengthened
 by their social circle in the environment. With
this
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stages
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stage
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 of
development
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,
perspectives
Correct article usage
the perspectives
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 of people are divided. Whilst there are people who
perceived
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perceive
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 that
parents
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 have the most significant influence in the
development
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 of young people, some folks
believed
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believe
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 their social circle,
such
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 as friends, television, and social media, has
the
Correct article usage
a
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 major impact on them.
This
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 essay will discuss both views
along with
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 the opinion of the writer.
Firstly
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, the holistic
development
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 of
children
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 including their cognitive, emotional, social, and psychological
development
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 is shaped through their relationship with their carer.
According to
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 the attachment theory,
parent
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the parent
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 and child relationship is the most significant aspect of brain
development
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 in
early
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the early
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 stages of life.
For example
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, a child who has a healthy attachment
with
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to
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 his
parents
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 has a healthy brain, which is stimulated and shaped
accordingly
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.
On the other hand
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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outside
influence
Fix the agreement mistake
influences
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 including peers, social media and television can
also
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 be a basis for
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children
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children's
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development
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. By way of illustration, peer pressure can force
children
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 to experiment
on
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with
show examples
 unexpected social behaviours
such
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 as smoking and drinking alcohol, which may be detrimental
in
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to
show examples
 their
development
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.
However
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, if they have healthy relationships with their
parents
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 they can still be guided constantly and unlearn their unhealthy behaviours. In conclusion, whilst peers, social media, and television can change
children
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's
behavior
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behaviour
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, their
parents
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 are still the major
contributory
Replace the word
contributors
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of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
development
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. In my opinion, the presence of their carer in all the stages of their life can serve as their moral compass to be healthier and better individuals.

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task response
You have addressed both views and provided your opinion. Make sure to further develop your arguments and provide more specific examples to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear logical structure and is well-organized. Ensure that your ideas are linked together smoothly by using appropriate transition words.
lexical resource
Your use of vocabulary is generally good. Try to use more complex and varied vocabulary to enhance your essay.
grammatical range
Your grammar is accurate, and you have demonstrated a good range of structures. Pay attention to sentence structure and ensure clarity in your sentences.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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