IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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It can be seen that a remarkable number of kids are spending
a huge times
Correct the article-noun agreement
huge times
a huge time
show examples
,
may be
Correct your spelling
maybe
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 more than
couple
Correct article usage
a couple
show examples
 of hours on their
smartphones
Use synonyms
. There are many reasons behind
this
Linking Words
 situation. There are some positive developments though but the negative improvement overweight the positive side.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 era is the era of technology.
mobilephones
Correct your spelling
Mobile phones
 are needed for different works even for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Children. They have to study or attend online lectures using
this
Linking Words
 gadget.
Besides
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, some children play various games which are responsible
to increase
Change preposition
for increasing
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 their
connetivity
Correct your spelling
connectivity
, concentration, multi-tasking capacity etc. It is very hard to be a smart child
staying
Wrong verb form
and stay
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 away from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smartphones
Use synonyms
 and the technologies related to
It
Correct pronoun usage
Them
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.
On the other hand
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, excessive usage of
mobilephones
Correct your spelling
mobile phones
 causes attention deficiencies, obesity, lack of creativity,
intollerance
Correct your spelling
intolerance
 etc. It provides a great opportunity to be spoilt using different unwanted
application
Fix the agreement mistake
applications
show examples
 and games. Take Bangladesh as an example, here - several murder cases have been filed connected
with
Change preposition
to
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 mobile phones. All the criminals and victims are underaged.
In addition
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,
the
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apply
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teenagers are
involving themselves
Wrong verb form
involved
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 in different crimes to earn money as they can invest
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in mobile games to upgrade their levels.
Smartphones
Use synonyms
 are obviously very important for study nowadays but
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 usage should be under
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
control always.
Moreover
Linking Words
, If the parents do not.take proper action It will be barking up to a wrong tree later. In conclusion, from the outset I am inclined to say that the usage of
smartphones
Use synonyms
 causes positive development but the real scenario is showing as something else
that is
Linking Words
 provoking us to confess that using smart cellphones for children several hours a day should be restricted or examined by the parents.
Submitted by ashiqbillah99 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your introduction clearly states your position on whether the excessive smartphone usage is a positive or negative development.
task achievement
Expand on your main points and provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary and vary your sentence structures to enhance your lexical resource score.
grammatical range
Pay attention to grammar and sentence structure to improve your grammatical range score.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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