IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

New Technology have changes the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?

#technology #changes #children #time
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In
Correct article usage
the modren
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modren
Correct your spelling
modern
 era,
due to
Linking Words
 the advancement of
Use synonyms
technology
Add a comma
technology,
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 most of the
children
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 spend their free
time
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 on technological sources. I think there are more merits rather than demerits, which will be discussed in upcoming paragraphs. Elaborating the first school of thought, there are many benefits of offspring
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
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 their free
time
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 on technological
gagdets
Correct your spelling
gadgets
 like mobile phones, laptops and many more, if
children
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 will spend their
time
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 on these things they can get information about activities.
In addition
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, because of using
technology
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 in
leisure
Correct pronoun usage
their leisure
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time
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children
Use synonyms
 become multilingual and they can learn foreign
language
Fix the agreement mistake
languages
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 at sit their home on mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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.
For example
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, in India, 80%
students
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of students
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 who become multilingual owing to
technology
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prefered
Correct your spelling
preferred
 to go abroad during past years which resulted in
positive
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a positive
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 way.
As a result
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, it will be beneficial
dor
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for
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 their future life. On the
otherhand
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other hand
, there are some drawbacks of
this
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. If
children
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will
Verb problem
apply
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spend
free
Correct pronoun usage
their free
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time
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 on
technology
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 they will
away
Add a missing verb
be away
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 from physical activities. So, it would
put
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have
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negative
Add an article
a negative
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 effect on their health and they will suffer from obesity.
Secondly
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, if
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
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 spend
time
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 on their mobile phone it will
put
Verb problem
apply
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effect
Correct your spelling
affect
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on
Change preposition
apply
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their eyes and it will not
becgood
Correct your spelling
be good
 for
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their upcoming life. In conclusion, every coin has two sides, advantages
as well as
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 disadvantages, but I think
technology
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 has more advantages as compared to demerits if
children
Use synonyms
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
use with
right
Add an article
the right
show examples
 way.
Submitted by gsdhillon23595 on

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coherence cohesion
Provide a clear thesis statement in the introduction that directly answers the question.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the main points are adequately supported with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Develop a stronger conclusion that summarizes the main points and provides a clear opinion.
task achievement
Address all parts of the prompt and provide a balanced view of both advantages and disadvantages.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary and avoid repetitive language.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to avoid errors and improve clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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